Randy Pausch, the Tigger.

I have been besotted by Randy Pausch. the speech is mind boggling.
the complete last lecture is here

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=362421849901825950

shorter versions are here

http://youtube.com/watch?v=k0aO64aKqek&feature=bz302
(On Oprah Winfrey show)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utwFZsSFke0&NR=1
(he is ABC's person of the week)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWIT8x4b4gU&NR=1
(on CNBC)

his home page

http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/

at the end of one of these interviews he says "I like living" and that is from the mouth of a person who is going to die in the matter of weeks. that was the defining moment for me, when all his words made a synergy, a whole new meaning, when for a second my heart stopped beating and i thought every living moment is a gift.
i thought at the end of the oprah winfrey show he had become feeble when he mentioned his children.
i think his story is remarkably similar to richard feynman's.

i feel it in my bones...

last night i had a tough time breathing, long time since i had that sick feeling like the balloon in my chest is poisonous. it took me a fair bit of time to go to sleep. but today evening i felt a pleasant presence in the air. i think winter is approaching. its a nice feeling. the air feels silky, yes i think its silky coz its not cold or chill. i feel a slight electricity in the air, and a similar feeling i have every year around diwali.....

holiday

today, was a holiday and i slept like a log. all my plans for the day went in the drain as after a hearty and satisfying lunch, i slept quite easily. now, a point to consider here is since i called my lunch "hearty and satisfying" it could not have been in the hostel. i have not always been so skeptical of the mess food, but lately i observed that not having a good meal made me irritable. but in today's case it resulted in quashing of all my plans.
as i was going out today i suddenly loved seeing "houses". yes, a bit queer as it may seem, i observed different types of houses and homes. in this locality of puttappa colony, thippasandra, houses are small, mostly. there are flats and individual houses. sunshine is plenty and the wind was blowing very nicely. the whole environment around the urban households is very warm, energetic and something is happening all the time around the houses. and two ladies were up in the balcony keenly observing and chatting about whats happening. clothes of all kinds were hanging from windows and balconies.
probably i was getting homesick. i so wanna be at home and eat the home food. these homes could be small to live in i fear. i was reminded the time when i was searching a one room kitchen for rent. hated that time. but people live so happily i thought. the whole business of living in small abodes in busy city. small neglected existences involved in their own chores with such renewed enthusiasm over and over again, everyday.

the people out there

people dont always mean what they say. what they say often hurts us. if i look closer, it is just us, ourselves who is letting ourselves get hurt.
a benevolent, compassionate view of the world is difficult to come by. if i say that all the people of the world, my friends, my colleagues, teachers, parents, small children playing in the street, shopkeepers, waiters, etc. are actually very nice people. they are innocent. they do and say things on accounts of reasons beyond my knowledge. that i will never know. there is something out there which i dont know that i dont know. but i just gotta believe that the world out there is GOOD and innocent, but its not how it will physically appear always. so, what i am saying is -
1. world - (the people, essentially) is good.
2. it wont always APPEAR that way
3. why is it so? you' ll never know, so dont break your head over it.
4. believe in the goodness, and get your work done (the key to success and happiness)

you will continuously get the stimuli that will puzzle you. people shouting at you, challenging you, make you angry, tease you, beat the hell out of you, invite you to be nasty, compete with you and what not. you gotta succeed, and keep your self esteem in tact. but at the end of the day you have to keep the faith that they are all good. you have to be compassionate. stop trying to understand. you can never understand any person fully, ever!
but the happy, good, benevolent view of the world is inspiring. i had this experience when i was presenting a case on Walt Disney in the international business class. it was my first presentation of the second term. and before i started to walk towards the front of the class, i recited in my head many sentences something to this effect - "the audience are my friends. they are eager to listen to me. they want to know what i have got to say."
when we are in a negative spiral, we neglect the positive stimuli. i remember in my past i refused to see the good things in myself. i refused to see the opportunities i had. i just wasnt happy about what i had. i sulked about what i didnt have.

in a positive spiral, you identify the negative stimuli. you dont turn blind to them. you say "what i see is not the truth." smile and believe that the reason for this might be beyond my knowledge, but my faith in the goodness of the world and the people around me is ultimate and strong as a rock. he is saying or doing this because of something which is beyond my knowledge. but i will not get influenced in a negative way because of this.positive spiral is not reactive. it is not outside in, it is inside out. my actions are not a response to what others say or do but my beliefs and integrity in action.

an impulse post..

i think probability is one of the most potent forces governing our lives. or uncertainty, so to speak.
am i being ignored? left out? No, its just your feeling. its chance working on you. you were left out just by chance, like maybe few others. but we fall prey to this and create our beliefs, misunderstandings and judge yourself and others. its a trap to which i fell many times. its tempting if you are in the self victimizing mode.

pleasant change

I am on my own. Finally.

Now I can open the window and once and for all let the sunlight come in, even if its limited in amount. The problem is that the window opens in front of another apartment, so there isn’t direct sunlight. But till now, in the last seven months my roomie, lets call him khatauli, must have let me open that window for number of times that can be counted on fingers. So, there was hardly any sunlight and no air circulation whatsoever. The arrangement in the room was terrible. I had to keep my table in front of my bed because there want enough space. There want enough space to move around.
But things just got a hell lot better! My roomie left for a single room, and the room for two is now all for me!! I immediately made the changes and now I cant stop admiring my room. It seems like there’s a new lease of life. I now have lots of space to keep my things, which have grown every term, I think. I even pasted inspirational quotes and photos. I pasted a photo of Richard Feynman, articulating in his classroom ("what do you care, what other people think?" he says) this man’s life and thoughts are sheer inspiration, even if you don’t much care about physics. the life of ER doctors i feel is inspirational. and the part in the movie "city of angels in the end, meg ryan rides bicycle on a serene road.




I did not sleep in the last 24 hours. This is serious. I don’t have much workload, and there isn’t much to read either (at least not now I am not reading) but why did I not sleep? I kept thinking a lot and reading random stuff. Its not like I did not feel sleepy, at around 2.30 I made up my mind not to sleep. At 4 ate bread with chesespread and drank coffee (that now keeps me alive and makes sure I leave for college at 8 30 in the morning.

Max martin is an amazing musician. Most of the backstreet boys, n-sync songs are composed by him, love those thumping techno music. In the night I was reminded of the days in my high school when I used to listen to those a lot. Its fun.

current music :"get another boyfriend" by Backstreet Boys - (attack of the cheesy cliche!!! i know but the music is awesome)

the moment

There was a moment.

A moment which was precious. I don’t know how everything around me must have been. The same sun must have been around; the same wind must have blown softly. In my head all must have been milky white maybe. White clear, I must have been breathing much comfortably back then and feeling so much lighter. Back then when I had no past.
There was a moment, when I had no past. My life was a clean slate. And all that I turned to were my parents. And I listened to them. And I did not ask any questions. No doubts in my head, my world was infinite and encapsulated in their words.

I don’t remember that moment. But it was the seed to the world I am now living in.

from darkness to light

my sympathy isnt for free.

so keep all your things to yourself, i spent my time, energy and words into the void, but not anymore. i have decided to be more honest from now on. its better others and far more importantly for myself. i remembered i had read the following in a blog -

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

god, its so painfully difficult to implement. this process of letting go is very difficult. but THATS IT!its not wise enough to waste anymore blogspace on it either.
i did not have any class today, i took rest, completed my quota of sleep. fixed the room and washed clothes (first thing in the morning)
last time when i was at the doctor's i chanced at "men's health" magazine which i thought was good. i bought one today and planning to start exercise from tomorrow. ah, well this isnt first such plan, but i am starting afresh. nothing is obstructing me right now. everything is just the way i wanted and i have no complaints. i have my landmark forum on 14th. the whole course is of 3.5 days friday to sunday and the tuesday evening. i am really excited about it. something concrete which will change my life. i pasted some inspirational stuff on my wall today. the warden probably wont be happy but wtf.(we were not allowed to paste anything of the wall - for the fear that it would discolour or damage the wall paint) but i badly needed to change my surroundings to make things work for me. i started with database management systems today, also read about the appreciating rupee, how the indian government needs to be more proactive at handling inflation keeping the trade balance healthy for the domestic industries, take a lesson or two from china which has pegged its currency at a lower value to the us dollar.
tomorrow i am going to attend the international economics - amir khan class. long time since i listened to that crazy genius talk. tomorrow morning is going to be special - exercise - first thing in the morning. i watched "ER" religiously all the days while i was at home. hospital as an organisation, doctors as groups and teams are amazing. lots to learn. the program is amazing, performances are real and stories are engaging. kudos to the genius crichton who himself a doctor, conceived it. the lives of the doctors inspire me. the environment in the er is electric. the oft spoken "decision making under uncertainty" used in management is seen here, along with risk, teamwork, conflict resolution, negotiation, stress, not to mention courage and strength of character(i particularly remember the episode in which maura tierney's character is kidnapped by street fighting gangsters to take care of bullet-shot killer, which involved racial issues too, apart from the issue of definition of the doctor - she takes care of ANY person who is at her desk, no matter if he is a gangster, no matter if there is a danger of her losing her life after she treats her patient. that episode was riveting) i learnt that human mind has infinite capacity. physical capacity however is limited. its essential that you take care of your body, nurture it, provide proper nutrition, i need to exercise to be strong, that it will pay huge dividends to take care of my body right now before its too late. in 24 hours of the day, all the things you wish CAN be done.
someone said, the way you take bath everyday, you need to motivate youself every single day, every waking moment is in your hand - create it the way YOU want it. push yourself - or look for the magnets which pull in the right direction. make the complete efforts which take you from darkness to light.

examz over

and the worst one was finance. but nothing about that. i am going home tomorrow afternoon - yeshwantpur - vasco da gama express. relief!! thank you god for this feeling of relief.
and i will not be online or reply to mails and scraps and write blog posts, though their frequency has dwindled anyway. but i am gonna eat read and sleep at home. read and finish good books i left incomplete and plan for the next term. the killer term. god, i want this one to be perfect. no excuses. its now or never. in a way its good that i am going home before the term starts on 31st, i will come back refreshed and recharged. clear away all the webs of doubts and the shit that accumulated over years. thanx to mrs h i had an evaluation of the shit in the past two terms. things became clearer. now its time to act. and plan for the improved plan of action. seriously, each of her class had been very stimulating. i used to look forward to each one with specific expectation with certain enthusiasm. i have had revelations. her classes is one thing and the other most important thing that happened to me was the dance performance. felt great about my stamina, given my assignments, rehearsing for the dance, i think i did a pretty good job :) i couldnt post all the photos of the dance last time because of some problem with the blogger, as i had mentioned in the last post. i am posting them now. this term my people skills improved many times. i had good conversations with many people - subbu, jhango, sarkar, jhingon, suri, cheevi (my groupie in most of the assignments who dealt with my irrational moodswings very well - thanx a lot! :)) i am now feeling satisfied, as i feel i have become much better at dealing with people, but still there's hell long way to go. this sem i had bitter experiences with people too. i learnt about attention seeking behaviour, self pity, emotional superficiality........its kinda sad and we cant do anything about it. (yes, i said we) and we wasted a lot of time talking about something which is apparently incurable! much to our frustration. and we never saw it coming. it was sad because it hurt and what seemed like good friendship took a new dimension. but we learnt and took a lesson about how to deal with such behaviours, its not completely their fault, but we need to be careful.
the hostel is deserted. i need to pack all the stuff. and i am so damn tired. more coffee, one last time. really really looking forward to an out of this world term, the next one. i really have no words about what to expect out of myself for the next term. i plan to work harder than ever before. its gonna be a great term - finally things are gonna fall in place. i need to start reading when i am at home. i need to recharge and also cultivate the right frame of mind before the term gets started. i have made a list of books i need to skim through in my vacations and a set of goals to be achieved in these 9 days. so next stop - home!
tata!

i have international business exam tomorrow. and i need a vent to the chaos in my mind. the exams are such a time when blogging gets a chance, dont know why, happened before also, its 15th august and i have a holiday to prepare for tomorrow. this post is going to be a ramble, total vent to my feelings over past one month, rather the whole godforsaken month. god, my roomie is studying like hell and here i am unable to focus.
so, i had problems..........with blogger too - apart from the real life problems - i wrote a huge post last time i was feeling like blogging - i wrote it nicely with stuff about mrs h and mon and the goings on of this term. but there was something seriously wrong with blogger, all my post went down the drain even after i pushed the publish button. not the net connection problem or anything - it just didnt publish. i got even more disappointed as my last resort of expressing myself also got ruined. i guess that was a bad patch. it seems to be getting better. i suggest that readers of this post, if there are any, take all this stuff with a pinch of salt.
lately i have been having all mixed feelings. mostly depressed, low enthusiasm, rut. well, i need some pill.
mrs h has been the most important person i have met in this mba program. i tell her almost everything and learning for me has been tremendous. i mean my point of view might now have changed totally but my vision got clearer. started seeing things a lot better after quite a few jolts, shocks. i learnt that solutions to almost more than half the problems of my life lie in telling the truth. its not as simple as it sounds. i learnt that too. telling the truth needs courage and introspection. go deeper. deeper still. and tell the truth to yourself. accept it. dont make assumptions. i did make a lot previously.
i have a pain in my neck and ear. i need exercise, and i am not so disciplined to be doing it. i have my landmark forum on 14th of september. i got it changed from august because i had evaluations. i need an overhauling for my life. need to tighten the screws.
i need to tell people things. my pattern has been very random. either i disclose to my friends a lot in a haphazard way, more personal details or i just dont speak at all. either i get too confident - overconfident or i give up totally. and its this thing about "all or nothing" which has been the reason for my failures. its all or none. i make elaborate plans - huge ambitious and apparently intelligent. but i falter again in the execution.
i am going home this sunday. i am just dying to get home. just for few days. the biggest term of my life, my specialization term starts from 31st.

update

i watched hp 5 on a pirated dvd, no time n mood to write a detailed review but i loved the movie.
n ya amit, spew really might not be significant, while watching the movie i got another idea, extrapolation of the previous one actually -
house elves
centaurs
giants
will join forces - sequentially to fight death eaters. the idea is to surprise and amuse by bringing in these groups to fight against death eaters in twists n turns of events. its similar to LOTR - the hobbit's ending when the eagles surprise in saving in the end.
by the way, apart from many twists and turns in my own life, the most significant one was the dance performance, a little one, medley of three songs - dil dooba, nach baliye and appadipode.







a butterfly was also witness to the proceedings

brainwave

i just few minutes ago had a brainwave. i think SPEW will come back into action in hp7, they will unite the elves and the elves will form a rebellion against the deatheaters. just a thought.

Do I need help? Yes,I think I do.
I have had pain in my neck/shoulder/back for more than two years but I did not address the problem in any seriousness, until a month ago. talk about hurting yourself.
So I registered for the Landmark Forum, not just because of this but due to several reasons that make the indigestible nike. this means i paid 5600,.....four days out of my MBA week,no study, no meeting other people, only ........improvement, hopefully.

PS I wanna go home, I miss Aaaii, Baba. :( ...the goa breeze, calm green highway that takes me home, bright sunshine.......

An update on my life...

Work expands.
Thats the worst thing about life, i can see that happening. The first week of the second term of my MBA is over. Two assignments to finish by 25th and I have much free time, i think I can say that. And I have been listening to too many songs and thinking about a sad story I heard a few days ago.
Do you believe in the lines you have on your hands? What if you knew the time you are gonna die?
I was very sad last week, even if it (the story) had not much to do with me. I felt such gloom spread over my days, and a real first in my life that I was feeling so sad for someone else.
Ok, lets not talk about it too much.
So I have made, what can be termed the third most important decision of my life, I am specializing in Information Systems.
What do I wanna do in my life? I will end up in academics, sure I can feel it in my guts right now. But first, gotta earn money. And though, not many thoughts stay in my mind so long, this one says that it would be really great if i could retire at the age of 40.

Poof!

I am still hesitant to call this news article lame; maybe because there could be many things i dont know about cancer research. I hope I defend my case on the basis that studied chemistry for four years and had taken biology courses two years before that (11th and 12th)

The study about which the reuters report talks about reminds me of the "projects" used to be done in my college.

The study wants to say that there is a gene in humans - caspase 8 (CASP8) which controls cell death or apoptosis. So this dude is the one which will stop the goddamn virus from running amok in a body.

What they did was take DNA samples from 10,000 Chinese guys over 6 years between 1997 - 2003 (4 years ago) . Half of them were suffering from cancer and half of them were not. So we suspect that since caspase 8 is so brilliant, it should be, if not outrightly beating its chest belligerently,but at least holding some swords in the cells of most of the 5 thousand cancer free people. But the stats are that this gene's variant is found in just 25 % of the cancer free people while this figure is 20 % for the cancer patients. A meager difference of 5 % .

That means that 20 % unfortunate cancer patients are not getting any help from the gene even if its there in their cells.

ahem ahem!.....the population of china is 1.3 billion and here every year cancer claims 1.4-1.5 millions lives.

what does 10,000 mean at all when 1.5 million have been dying of cancer per year since your four year old study.

It got published in the journal nature genetics, the report says. Kudos!

I feel good to have finished two reports, one on the national income of India and the other on the growth of service sector in India for Amir Ullah Khan in economics Confidence level is up and my point of view has changed!

PS : I would like to welcome my friends to my friends list - Vishal, Anuraag and Arpit!!
Blogging rocks!!

food

I have started eating outside here in bangalore. the food doesnt seem to get any better over here in the mess. so i started scouting and found chaat place nearby. for the past three days i have tried all the dishes he had to offer. the pani puri was good. i get so much less for 10 bucks! alas that was bajaj nagar road in nagpur this is thipsandra in bangalore. that was 6 years ago! i used to love the burp after a dahi puri which cost just ten bucks. i used to get such a plateful, this thing which i got for 15 bucks was bland and quite mild, chillywise i mean. today i checked out dahi samosa which was much better. curd was thick and not sweet, samosas were freshly fried and crisp.
good food is bliss. i found my bliss one freezing winter morning in pilani. it was 8 am. my probability and statistics class got cancelled. so i headed to the cafeteria. the mild and milky sun was filtering through the neem leaves and me fully covered in the woolens was hungry. i remember the practically empty IC (insti cafeteria).
steaming hot idli sambhar made my day. i have never ever had a better breakfast in my entire life.i have no words to describe what that single idli did to me.
mind you, the quality of food in the ic too hasnt always been consistent. yes, i admit that i was lucky that day.the timing was perfect, early morning the food is absolutely fresh, the most important thing, sambhar was very well made. i love, love, loooooove the little red dal sort of pieces which occur in the idli which is served over there in ic. you feel very satisfied with just one idli (which you get for 4 bucks) the second one actually makes me a bit too full. after that its coffe for the winters and for summers its the heavenesque shikanji (sweet lemon juice).
how will i ever forget pilani, this was just one of the things which clasps me so hard to that place. the stories of my childhood in that that place are far too many and indescribable.
i love south indian food. i love the sambhar which my mother makes. the taste of sambhar changes so much from place to place that i am very much disappointed. the sweet ones i tasted in delhi and pune, a bland one i tasted right here in bang, just across the street from my hostel.......why why why, in the name of hell are the chefs all over the country are hell bent to ruin this blessing of god?seriously i will never get better sambhar than the one my mother makes. or of course better than the one Malathi aunty and Poonkuzhali Tai make.

Current music: O saathi re - Omkara
Current Mood : Hopeful/ Determined

finally,all by myself.

Its a saturday morning and i am all by myself. good, thank god for this gift.
there was this marketing event of BMA in collaboration with times for which they needed volunteers.
no sir, thank you. nothing matches freedom and leisure on a saturday morning.
the week slipped away in a jiffy. felt nice. many night outs, upset stomach,tests and slippery deadlines of the assignments. all went well. now is the time for some flow of nike consciousness.





last saturday i watched the namesake (the movie) with arpit. but i was so upset with the sunday that i couldn't express my gratitude for the saturday in my last blog.
you watch such films and feel good about living. life is so many things good and bad, that we don't know. but living, you create it every now and then. its who you are and what you create.
i wanted to see ashoke ashima and gogol on the screen. see the life that ashoke and asima made.
it is too much risk i must say to put your trust on mira nair. after i have read the book, ashok and ashima and gogol live so vividly in my mind. they are delicately placed. i look at them with such compassion and longing.
where will irfan khan,tabu and kal penn be? yes, it is quite a risk. but there was this smidgen of hope.

the movie satisfies me 90 % perhaps. and thats a lot. i wouldnt critique the film, its a well made film, with meticulously written script which stuck with the sequence of the books events and caught all the little emotions and of course the big ones as well. i loved the photography.
all the three actors pass the exam. though kal penn doesn't with as many of those flying colors as the other two do. sonya is exactly how i thought her to be, maushumi however isnt. its a beautiful movie. please go watch it.

review of the movie is here.

we could talk about gogol though.
some people just dont get gogol. the fact is, its very difficult to understand what gogol went through. the same way that its next to impossible for people in general to listen to Chieko in Babel

was ashoke unfair to gogol?
was gogol in turn unfair and ungrateful to his parents?
these questions popped up in my head last week in the middle of my quantitative techniques assignment. and i thought of something which i had similarly said about some other people.
they are simple people, not heroes. they are susceptible. they should be allowed to be weak, make mistakes, do what their heart screams out. what ashoke and asima did was the best that they could do. the same for gogol. if gogol fell prey to the dilemma, it was not his fault, things were decided for him before he was born.

Just yesterday I got photographs from vishal which were snapped four years ago from my own camera. they scanned it and put it on picasa. they are amazing. us, barely out of the high schools, the first semester at bits.






by the way, yesterday was aks's birthday!!
you are one of my best and oldest friends......
happy birthday once again aks!!



current music : new york nagaram - a r rehman
current mood : planning/ thoughtful

I feel sick........

Today was such a fine sunday. Now its a depression.
It started out like every other beautiful sunday, bright sunshine, fine breeze, slow hours of leisure. I live in a spacious building, lots of air and sunshine flows in unobstructed.
All I wanted was good food. Could we please not have red/brown/orange or all these in one coloured pulpy masala gravy curries for the battered palate? I knew it was coming my way before I went downstairs for lunch. sigh. My stomach is upset. Please dont try to make north indian food. I dont mind idli sambhar,dosa or utthappa. i really don't. but bland oily curries with rubbery maida chapattis are playing havoc with me. i am at my wit's end. I am not healthy.all the time i feel like there's something wrong with my stomach. I feel uncomfortable all the time.
Since yesterday night i wanted to blog. there was no wifi since morning. passing the day without the net was yet another torture.
I couldnt eat more than 3 chapattis and was hungry 2 hours later.
i got another item of a roomie. we dont talk much. well, really not at all. Its far less than the amount i used to talk with the one i had during my internship at GRASIM. Its the nutcases like him that put me off. Please never try to tell me what to do and what not to do. Please dont try to kill me of suffocation by closing all the doors and windows of the room! all the time! Please dont hiss under your breath "oh shit" 24 times a day. superficial concern for perfection.
I am socially unfit. Last week I had yet another bout of misanthropy. felt like blasting cowdung at the faces of the people around me.
I realised that my behaviour in the face of competition changed radically. yes, its very positive most of the times but sometimes i am not able to control my temper. at the PDW (personality development workshop) i almost blasted smokergirl. she was absolutely aghast! "why are you yelling at me!!" ...gosh, we lost the last PDW exercise. i was in a state of numbness. i will probably be able to put the video of this exercise; my friend siezed the opportunity and recorded it on his mobile.

current mood : uninterested
current music: Nelly Furtado

How can lance armstrong and kik be separated?? aagh! ..they divorced way back in 2003 and i am coming to know about it now, in 2007 after reading the inspiring book. i feel wierd, wish things were perfect in life...a littel bit more, please! Tomorrow i am going to speak for four mintes about the inspiring life of lance armstrong.
i love the personality development classes. awesome. i gotta speak, i must express otherwise i will suffocate and die. again, why do i give so much importance to what people think.
its very important that i speak.
but i give too much importance to how will people react.
i need their response.
what do you think??
why do they matter so much??
i hope the personality development workshops help me fix this,.....fucker sidey is smoking....ugh!
mba is so much more if you decide to transform yourself for the better
if you want to stay the way you are, you wont be able to perform that much better
imagine what you could have achieved if you changed the way the context of mba was initially set.
onus is on me.
soobs and crusher think i am a psycho.so does uns.
severe emotional problems.
but they also admit that they like my company.
something is happening all over again with me, but i am prepared to handle it. i am seeing the patterns , they are directly related to who i am. nikhilesh vishwas deshpande.a name i did not choose. a body i did not choose. parents, country,pilani,nagpur i didnt choose.
(bulleh ki jana main kaun??)
who am i?
a question which has haunted many, but to only those who asked that question in the first place.
those who cared to think that way.
those who stop and look at the path ahead, to the path which they have travelled,those who thought that asking questions is right.
think. THINK. this word isnt what you think it is. i dont know how deep this word goes.

i have to tell tomorrow positive and negative triggers i ever felt in my life.

i dont remember positive ones so vividly.....................

what if a seventeen year old six feet tall, lanky boy that was me, could not walk?
my feet were at right angles at the knees when i tried to stand up after the dinner on the floor. my feet wont straighten up. helplessness. panic. hopelessness and feeling miserable about life.
it happened again last year; you are doing internship at GRASIM as you limp you way to the office.
(but at the hospital you meet a little angel named ananya. )
at the age of 13, after getting an EEG(electroencephalogram) done on you, you come fuzzy out of a dinghy and darkly lit lab out into a room full of patients.half of them start laughing at you. an elderly woman with thick lips is laughing at you , so is her son sitting in her lap,eating donut. until you start crying and your mother grabs you.all that is because your hair are tied into a number of ponytails using rubberbands and sticky white claylike glue. they think you look like a joker.
but the eeg is because you survived a stroke and kidney failure when you were 7.
ironically at 7 that was hardly a negative trigger. the seven year old dude calmly survived the stroke and didnt mind his body swollen twice his size, and the iv drips and other pipes running down places. didnt mind living on bread and jam and halwa and ......blur.
sunshine, crows and stretcher. shadows of nurses and smells of the hospital.
that was hardly much pain. pain was what followed, and has been following since.
the seven year old now seems like a sage who observed his parents who were in pain. who saved his life. i lost that seven year old.

new

I am so full of mixed emotions,i dont know what to reveal.
But like many times before, yet again i am intimidated,but more confident and hopeful than ever. Its a time for me to hang on,work hard sincerely one big year of my life HERE
One of the most enlightening days of my life were among past few days, gosh, I sound cheesy maybe, i dont know, but yesterday i was amazed,yesterday's last lecture by Dr. Amir Ullah Khan was an eye opener.

"One of the basic instincts of man is to kill, go to war. This instinct has sublimated over the years, and so we play sports"

I dont know how many would believe it at first,sounds crazy but the way he brought it out was amazing. This guy sure is a smooth talker. The places he has been to are amazing.
His way of explaining the evolution of man's social life from the beginning of time till now was amazing. The explanation for origin and evolution of "family" particularly in context of economics was intriguing and insightful.
The first day he showed us a small film he had made, actually a collage of clips to demonstrate impact of films on government policies and the society and the dynamics. (Naya daur, do beegha zameen - - awara, johnny mera naam - zanjeer, deewaar.....many more till we reach to the nonsense of our era)
Next thing we knew he was rattling off figures of india's economic and corporate situation with ease. He also happens to teach us organisation behaviour and leadership (apart from managerial economics) and we had to prepare organisation chart for a franchise, which turned out well but the whole organisation structure which he had asked us to prepare yesterday for a college turned out to be a huge huge disaster. The reason being that I was in a team of four, we spent the hour telling each other how the OC shouldnt be. The structure of the college's organisation is of course far more complex than a franchisee, and I hadnt read anything on organisation charts after i had made that OC for the franchisee without him having taught aything at all. In case of franchise it was a team of three of us, we sailed along smoothly, also because going to pizza hut and dominoes helped.
We are all fans of Dr. amir khan, no doubt about that. He doesnt always reveal anything extrodinairy about economics always, but just the simple way in which he explains all dull concepts and terms such as GDP, GNP, FDI,FII, that was awesome.
It is essential that I revise and read before I reach Aamir khan's class. I have rarely done anything like that ever but i dont think there's a way i could survive going the way i went on for the past week. For organisation behavior,in many cases he wont explain much, he would straightaway push us to the deep end of the swimming pool.
Now thats where I am right now, the deep end of shit. 500 word essay on Durkheim and two other assignments; scarier one being haldiram bhujiawala's for marketing.

Its still chaotic in my head. cause its chaotic around me.Shit.

PS From here onwards I shall try to steer this blog towards the MBA life of mine, provided i get time to blog and dreamy and hyper tedencies dont grab me when i sit down to write.

PPS Now Nike has reached Bangalore, but he wont be able to roam around much in this hyped city because he goes to school at 8 30 in the morning and its 7 30 in the night when he's back.

Current Music : Two beds and a coffee machine - Savage Garden

Sudden Recall

The befuddled Nike.

"What the!.........ouch!"

"AAAIII! ....I look hideous!"

My thread ceremony.

1994.

Alice

Through the looking glass,and what alice saw there, concludes with this poem.

A boat beneath a sunny sky,

L ingering onward dreamily
In an evening of July--
Children three that nestle near,
Eager eye and willing ear,



Pleased a simple tale to hear--
Long has paled that sunny sky:
Echoes fade and memories die.
Autumn frosts have slain July.
Still she haunts me, phantomwise,
Alice moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes.
Children yet, the tale to hear,
Eager eye and willing ear,


Lovingly shall nestle near.
In a Wonderland they lie,
Dreaming as the days go by,
Dreaming as the summers die:
Ever drifting down the stream--
Lingering in the golden gleam--
Life, what is it but a dream?

Opinions. Labels. Sad.