"...this is sort of warped."

i wanted to say something,establish something,for myself as well as for others...to let people know something abt me..to cross check,to rediscover,to reassure...to rediscover something which i thought i had lost...its back there in my old posts,i hid something which i wanted to say.....explicitly or implicitly ...now after an amount of time on blogger sometimes i wonder what to write really .....my point is..that i have made an observation(which honestly is not original and obviously vulnerable to flaws) there is generally a curve in an activity(like blogging) which is more or less bell shaped..crudely....there is a peak to the efficiency and power/drive in the acivity and it wanes gradually.that original power and first goal was the reason why you started and when you have achieved the activity on the whole slows down. ..artists mainly and possibly ppl in general want to say something to begin with ..want to establish something..... they want to put up their point of view of life..and when its done(with first few pieces of work) they dont know where to go .....they may seem to fail in the future but its not true; maybe their hunger did not continue...or they just did not think as critically about life the way they thought before...
OR maybe something terrible happened to them long ago...or they made some mistakes and it has been very difficult for them to forgive..... others or themselves ..so they express themselves through the medium of arts/movies/poetry/writing books/blogging etc...they tell us through fiction and metaphors what that small story of their own life was...when they are done relieving themselves from certain burden and/or helping themselves ..they leave it.

cut to...

Joel - I could die right now, Clem.
I'm just.....happy.
I've never felt that before.
I'm just exactly...where I wanna be.

***********
Joel - I think your name is magical.
Clementine - This is it, joel.
It's gonna be gone soon.
Joel - I know.
Clementine - what do we do?
Joel - Enjoy it.

i just saw the trailer of this movie-eternal sunshine of the spottless mind and right now i really dont want to know what exactly this movie is all about-what i know for sure is what i feel about the images i see in the trailer..
sometimes i just wish this world turns upside down and it turns out that this life is just a dream.... i imagine a world totally different from mine,..i wanna change things around me..dont like the way it looks......... and i want to sleep endlessly and dream of the impossibilities so that in front of my eyes they actually come true(yes,in there you so firmy believe that they are actually true) and something unexpected happens all the time and i accept it willingly,but there is a harmony and pleasantness in the random and wierd occurances .....it all flows like a river ...and i am ready to face any wierd eventuality....i need to be sent through a huge rollercoaster.... where i scream and shout it out loud till my lungs seem to tear apart and there is a release of something slothful and venomous from my body and i am pure and free again...my body is upside down and back again....its buoyant and agile..i see the lights of thousand hues above my head and down below...they twinkle like heaven...shine with a kind glow ...as if like a blessing...and then a shower of million stars..........
and my body is totally weightless and i could run endlessly and play and dance without any rules ....a place where i have answer for every question.......now a very important point...
what if i had no expectations.....i dont want to hang on to anything ...dunn wanna cling to that creepy bubblegum rope ...i wanna run behind nothing (do you realise nikhilesh that you actuallly want all these things to happen to you in the first place?)......and someday i wanna know what is that line of difference between expectation and hope.....
and there should be music and chaos(shouts and screams and blaring) and then music again ...then i could find hidden strings of music in chaos ....
"I want my mommy!"........ ............ ........."this is sort of warped"