moments in hours

"i wanted to be a writer,thats all ..i wanted to write about it all..... everything that happens in a moment,how the flowers felt when you carry them in your arms,this towel how it smells.... this thread,all our feelings... yours and mine,the history of it ,who we once were...everything in the world...everything all mixed up....... like its all mixed up now.... and i failed ...no matter what you start with it ends up being so less..." .......
.......

"tell me a story ...tell me the story from your day...."
"i ..i got up ...went out..out to buy flowers....just like mrs dalloway in the book.. and it was a beautiful morning..."
"beautiful was it?"
"oh yes it was so beautiful,....so fresh....."
"fresh was it? like a morning on a beach? like that morning when you walked out of that old house ..that morning when you were eighteen and maybe i was nineteen .....i was nineteen years old and i had never seen anything more beautiful...you coming out of the glass door in the early morning sunshine.... still sleepy....isnt it strange...the most ordinary morning in anybody's life...."

-Richard,The Hours.

some moments from ordinary days of our lives always lie deep sunken in our subconscious,they are always there,recorded in eternity.maybe we dont believe in them,get cynical to deny their existence.
but can never get back there,bend down to pick up the cold sand of winter,....run free under the dark umbrella of the old trees ....there where it was pitch dark no matter how bright the sun was..
.... relive the blessing in the chilly dark night...embrace once again the cloud of emotion filling in my chest,the quiver in my eyelids...the small puffs of air entering and leaving my throat...the gulped realities...
every flutter of the neem leaves of summer.... small forgotten spaces, where i had stared and wondered in void ...rather questioned the existence of it..... but ended up embracing it...absorbed the silences and sights....... eventually the spaces and the air and sounds of the most ordinary hours ended up in a column of feelings held close to the heart.

KATHLEEN
I always miss my mother at Christmas, but
somehow it's worse this year since I need
some advice from her.
JOE (V.O., cont'd)
I can give you advice. I'm great at
advice.
KATHLEEN (V.O.)
My business is in trouble. My mother
would have something wise to say.

JOE (cont'd)
You're at war. "It's not personal, it's
business. It's not personal it's
business." Recite that to yourself every
time you feel you're losing your nerve.
I know you worry about being brave, this
is your chance. Fight. Fight to the
death.
......................
..........................................
..................................
JOE
Hello.

KATHLEEN
What are you doing here?

JOE
I heard you were sick and I was worried
and I wanted to --
(he hears voices)
Is someone here?

KATHLEEN
Just the Home Shopping Network.

JOE
Bought any porcelain dolls?

KATHLEEN
I was thinking about it.
(beat)
You put me out of business --

JOE
I know that --

KATHLEEN
And now you turn up with flowers? Did
you come to gloat?

JOE
No.

KATHLEEN
To offer me a job --

JOE
No, I wouldn't think of --
......................... ... ....... ............

......... .... It wasn't personal --

KATHLEEN
-- It was business. What is that
supposed to mean? I am so sick of that.
All it means is it's not personal to you,
but it's personal to me, it's personal to
a lot of people.
(she shrugs helplessly)
What's wrong with being personal anyway?

JOE
Nothing.

KATHLEEN
I mean, whatever else anything is, it
ought to begin by being personal.

--You've Got Mail.

"Love is the only inspiration."--Shakespeare in love

"I want lots of money....lots and lots .......and i want it quickly.....i cant wait." -My friend who got a job but isnt satisfied with its salary and is hunting for a better one.

i hate cliche,just doesnt seem real....so larger than life.
..it was 2 30 in the morning vk corridor and a cliche just flowed out of my mouth so easily and naturally.i felt like i was imparting wisdom,i felt great the very moment i had done that.my friend thoughtfully responded and i inflated.great! i had the upper hand! it was not like i had reached upon any great discovery but i said something in a way that made me look like an expert......my feet started aching,....we decided that was enough...i was ambling my way to my room in bhag,.....sleep just lingering in my spine .....wondering what i had just said.....and suddenly i regretted having done that.....just advising someone on a matter remotely related to our college lives.....hated myself to have sounded like a preacher....when i can precisely calculate how much i practice.its very unnecesary,at a wrong time wrong place....a fruitless effort.
i want to keep cliche far away from my life, but sometimes it just surfaces in me as if it was there since eternity.sometimes i just want to go within,need to feel my thoughts flow in my head,fly away from the crowd far far away...want to walk on unknown streets when i dont have to say "hi!" with a smile to every other that walks by.someplace where no one knows me.i am just exhausted of all this.this just doesnt seem to lead anywhere.its just a necessity of following a trend.i need the independence of doing stuff in seclusion,no peeking....no judgements no questions no clarifications which add up to void,nothing but artificial and fruitless implementation of rituals.

"Come, there’s no use in crying like that!" said Alice to herself, rather sharply. "I advise you to leave off this minute!" She generally gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it), and sometimes she scolded herself so severely as to bring tears into her eyes; and once she remembered trying to box her own ears for having cheated herself in a game of croquet she was playing against herself, for this curious child was very fond of pretending to be two people. "But it’s no use now," thought poor Alice, "to pretend to be two people! Why, there’s hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!"
I read this excerpt in a blog of a wise man.Then I read the book to the point where i found these lines.And i was captured with these lines.Like many other times i wonder if the wise man wrote it had so much more to suggest than he does in the explicit words.I wonder why she is lonely and about the curious event of playing a game this way.like my friend once told me,speaking so bluntly of good literature is like an insult to it.coz what i am wondering and what i let you know i am thinking about these lines here is not all that i am thinking.such things touch deep in the subconscious,maybe connect us to our childhood,connect us to some fleeting visions from our dreams,about which i cannot put into words.The rabbit hole for alice,and the abode of bilbo baggins,make me wonder if human mind has this fascination for holes.we dont know how deep they go,dark,queer,full of unexpected adventures,but comfortable and polished in case of jrr tolkein.
a funny thought occured to me,what if i interpret deeper,and end up making out something which the writer does not want to suggest,what if someone else does same thing,ends up with powerful beliefs for life,on account of his ego insists that what he believes is perfectly true,choses a marvellous path for success,works hard and reaches the pinnacle.how fun would it be to drive ourselves by a misinterpretation.
I wonder why i make others do things which i think are wonderful.Sometimes they agree with me,sometimes they dont.well,i should not be disappointed when they dont.after sometime i feel why am i so hellbent on dragging others into my point of view.
i had a conversation with junna da tunna...
"what are you reading these days?" he asked
"two books actually,hp5 and the fountainhead"
"two books? ....heard fountainhead is very good book........why are you wasting your 'intellectual capacity' on such simple books with magic and all?"
then we argued for a few minutes and it abruptly ended,the way it ended hundreds of times before without any conclusion.haha how great is the blogspace,now that i can put up my verdict!
all things are muti dimensional,many aspects of a single thing exist,be it idea,book music or any other thing,generally one or two aspects prominently show up.judging tht thing on the basis of tht single aspect would be wrong.u need to see for the rest of the spects too.plus with the two or three 'different' aspects u cannot declare which is 'better'.given two choices,both hold equal power,dont declare any universal verdict that this is low,this is high.(same goes with saathiya and alai payuthe)

Current music: so much reflects my mood right now.....
i linger in the doorway
of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name
let me stay
where the wind will whisper to me
where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story

in my field of paper flowers
and candy clouds of lullaby
i lie inside myself for hours
and watch my purple sky fly over me

-evanescence

love those drums,mridang,sitar in dheere jalna.the digitally mastered tabla in main vari vari(i have a hunch its mastered,though me not an expert at such things),loved tht moment when silken voice of kavita fades into sarangi,and i wondered when did her voice end and when did the sarangi pick up?
then i got wierd returned to my all time favs Evanescence,which reflect my mood right now,its gut wrenchng.

Hols of colours so dark.....part 2

From Kolakata i returned to nagpur and monsoon had already settled there.It was mainly responsible for the dark ambience of the days and places to come.Except pilani rain followed us everywhere.....nasik,tryambakeshwar,goa.
love how green lookes greener in rains,the black stones of tryambakeshwar temple were completely washed with rains,so also were the ones under our bare feet.

Goa was the darkest part of my summer.Rains were in front of my eyes,so also were the signs of the rains in the uncounted years in the past.Brown or red coloured kavelus made up the sloping roofs of almost all the buildings.Black walls covered with ferns and mosses bore the testimony of incessant rains.I remember the times when heavy,black clouds covered all of the sky.I felt this anxiety,wondering when will the rains start.As if the rains were just held up due to some reason up in the clouds.Anytime now they would come down with loud thunder. The dark green vegetations were upon slopes,on the sides of the roads,behind small churches,in the gardens of small houses.They collaborated together to form dark spaces among themselves.I remember the dark shade under a thick and congested bunch of stunted trees and shrubs behind a small church.It seemed to have some sort of introvert,serious life of its own.I imagined it ignored me but knew fully well that i had noticed its existence,among the thick leaves dancing in the thin wind.

And i remember dark spaces in the dimly lit yellow rooms of the kavelu covered small homes.I just had their glimpse as i was going by a bus from the college campus to vasco.A child was playing outside the house and i saw his mother moving inside.I saw the rooms through iron bars in the small windows.I was amazed how i could connect with that house,felt curious and imagined what must be going on in there. After it has just rained in the evening,its very cool everywhere and its so much fun for the kid to miss the puddles while playing.the floor of the house is tiled with black uneven square stones.I remember how its soft,uneven,cool surface feels to your bare feet.really long time since i have been to such place.Mother prepares the dinner and calls her son inside.There is a narrow rectangular room lit with a single bulb with chulha on half the length and people sit along the length on the cool floor.Food always seems delicious on the banana leaves,as the kid jokes to his mother about occasional drop of water leaking right above his head.

The end.
chandlerisms:
all six are supposed to go to joey's play....
holding the duck n the chick in his hands,entering monica's room,"can u take the duck and the chick to the theatre?"
"of course not"
"okay,i just wanted them to hear it from somebody else"


"today my boss kept slapping my butt and acting like it wasnt a big deal"
"i dont understand guys,i mean i wont congratulate monica on a great stew by u know grabbin her boob?"
"yeah,..i know..for a really great stew..u just ...stick your head between them."

Current music: trouble by coldplay

...

< with Jam at 121 Budh Bhavan,last sem >
I started blogging to speak my mind.There had been considerable amount of time that I hadnt done that. i hadnt been speaking what i felt.Is it me being a gemini,that i feel such restlessness out of nothing(why do i rationalize?).feels like i live in a paradox.running in circles and fooling myself.contradicting myself at large number of occasions.this restlessness fills up in my chest like a thick cloud,i cannot breathe and a shiver spreads in my arms.
Whatever i do i do it with expectation of getting something back in return.i am selfish,contemplating about a million things about myself,searching......
flowing in the wind like a feather but denying something obvious.i dont sit at a place.i just relate to characters,to their emotions with some anticipation,feel happy for some stupid reasons momentarily,something somewhere feeds my ego....
i am just thrown from one moment to another.from one stimulant to another.
is there something which consumes me completely?......something white,sublime weightless,clear....eternal, gives a new birth to all my senses.something which leaves no doubt in my mind.like wind blowing away my hair through the window of a rusty car,roaming aimlessly through deserted streets,looking at the grey and brown buildings of people and equally absorbed in the inner turmoil.
but true friends just let you be.you smile and they smile back and i think that is all that satisfies anticipation.you can always see that in the eyes.it gets pretty close to what one needs,its something none of us feel tangibly,can neither rationalize and argue.just the mere existence of someone who understands is overwhelming.

genn...

Pilani Pilani.....yup, wish there was a song like that.Me byack to the new old place.hee hee.....can it get any wierder....a tiny little dusty room with posters of sportspersons at the back of the door(martina hingis was the only one tht cought my eye) was waiting for me in Bhagirath bhavan.this is gonna be the room you know....n i mean unlike all bitsians who get a new room every year this will be my first and last semester in here,so the room will hold a special place in the timeframe.
i was very eager to write down my "hols of colours so dark part 2" but mood here in ipc is not exactly the way want,with an occasional banging on my chair or some dorks staring at my monitor like inspectors.also with so much happening to me right now...
the room is tiny,old and has a very high cieling.the heat is unbearable,i wake up in the morning and i ask myself why is the fan turned on .... the room seems hot as an oven.some rounds to the akshay n you have your room ready.with three changes in arrangements in three days i have sacrificed my table for the comp,over to the ghot board for the study.
thankfully the anc(yank) is close,no probs for the late night snack.watched american beauty for the hundredth time,this time with jassi;why,oh why did Carolyn cry? shoving the gun somewhere deep as if it was cursed,hanging to Lester's clothes,the poor,helpless widow now.nothing much to say frankly....so here comes the stuff i love

Chandlerisms:
Chandler : She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!
Monica : Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.
Chandler : Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'

"Could she be anymore out of my league? Right now, I'm very conscious of my tongue."

"Well, you know what they say--ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy"

Ross : A thumb?!
Phoebe: I know, I know.
All: Ewwwwwwwwwww!
Phoebe: I opened it up, and there it was just floating there, like this tiny little hitchhiker.
Chandler: Well maybe it's a contest, you know? Like collect all five?

( lifting his glass )"I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here. I know this isn't the Thanksgiving any of you planned. But for me, this has been really great, mostly because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting."

whats on my mind....
new semester very very important.....azaadeee!!........HP5(now that the HP6 is out...)