holiday

today, was a holiday and i slept like a log. all my plans for the day went in the drain as after a hearty and satisfying lunch, i slept quite easily. now, a point to consider here is since i called my lunch "hearty and satisfying" it could not have been in the hostel. i have not always been so skeptical of the mess food, but lately i observed that not having a good meal made me irritable. but in today's case it resulted in quashing of all my plans.
as i was going out today i suddenly loved seeing "houses". yes, a bit queer as it may seem, i observed different types of houses and homes. in this locality of puttappa colony, thippasandra, houses are small, mostly. there are flats and individual houses. sunshine is plenty and the wind was blowing very nicely. the whole environment around the urban households is very warm, energetic and something is happening all the time around the houses. and two ladies were up in the balcony keenly observing and chatting about whats happening. clothes of all kinds were hanging from windows and balconies.
probably i was getting homesick. i so wanna be at home and eat the home food. these homes could be small to live in i fear. i was reminded the time when i was searching a one room kitchen for rent. hated that time. but people live so happily i thought. the whole business of living in small abodes in busy city. small neglected existences involved in their own chores with such renewed enthusiasm over and over again, everyday.

the people out there

people dont always mean what they say. what they say often hurts us. if i look closer, it is just us, ourselves who is letting ourselves get hurt.
a benevolent, compassionate view of the world is difficult to come by. if i say that all the people of the world, my friends, my colleagues, teachers, parents, small children playing in the street, shopkeepers, waiters, etc. are actually very nice people. they are innocent. they do and say things on accounts of reasons beyond my knowledge. that i will never know. there is something out there which i dont know that i dont know. but i just gotta believe that the world out there is GOOD and innocent, but its not how it will physically appear always. so, what i am saying is -
1. world - (the people, essentially) is good.
2. it wont always APPEAR that way
3. why is it so? you' ll never know, so dont break your head over it.
4. believe in the goodness, and get your work done (the key to success and happiness)

you will continuously get the stimuli that will puzzle you. people shouting at you, challenging you, make you angry, tease you, beat the hell out of you, invite you to be nasty, compete with you and what not. you gotta succeed, and keep your self esteem in tact. but at the end of the day you have to keep the faith that they are all good. you have to be compassionate. stop trying to understand. you can never understand any person fully, ever!
but the happy, good, benevolent view of the world is inspiring. i had this experience when i was presenting a case on Walt Disney in the international business class. it was my first presentation of the second term. and before i started to walk towards the front of the class, i recited in my head many sentences something to this effect - "the audience are my friends. they are eager to listen to me. they want to know what i have got to say."
when we are in a negative spiral, we neglect the positive stimuli. i remember in my past i refused to see the good things in myself. i refused to see the opportunities i had. i just wasnt happy about what i had. i sulked about what i didnt have.

in a positive spiral, you identify the negative stimuli. you dont turn blind to them. you say "what i see is not the truth." smile and believe that the reason for this might be beyond my knowledge, but my faith in the goodness of the world and the people around me is ultimate and strong as a rock. he is saying or doing this because of something which is beyond my knowledge. but i will not get influenced in a negative way because of this.positive spiral is not reactive. it is not outside in, it is inside out. my actions are not a response to what others say or do but my beliefs and integrity in action.

new

I am so full of mixed emotions,i dont know what to reveal.
But like many times before, yet again i am intimidated,but more confident and hopeful than ever. Its a time for me to hang on,work hard sincerely one big year of my life HERE
One of the most enlightening days of my life were among past few days, gosh, I sound cheesy maybe, i dont know, but yesterday i was amazed,yesterday's last lecture by Dr. Amir Ullah Khan was an eye opener.

"One of the basic instincts of man is to kill, go to war. This instinct has sublimated over the years, and so we play sports"

I dont know how many would believe it at first,sounds crazy but the way he brought it out was amazing. This guy sure is a smooth talker. The places he has been to are amazing.
His way of explaining the evolution of man's social life from the beginning of time till now was amazing. The explanation for origin and evolution of "family" particularly in context of economics was intriguing and insightful.
The first day he showed us a small film he had made, actually a collage of clips to demonstrate impact of films on government policies and the society and the dynamics. (Naya daur, do beegha zameen - - awara, johnny mera naam - zanjeer, deewaar.....many more till we reach to the nonsense of our era)
Next thing we knew he was rattling off figures of india's economic and corporate situation with ease. He also happens to teach us organisation behaviour and leadership (apart from managerial economics) and we had to prepare organisation chart for a franchise, which turned out well but the whole organisation structure which he had asked us to prepare yesterday for a college turned out to be a huge huge disaster. The reason being that I was in a team of four, we spent the hour telling each other how the OC shouldnt be. The structure of the college's organisation is of course far more complex than a franchisee, and I hadnt read anything on organisation charts after i had made that OC for the franchisee without him having taught aything at all. In case of franchise it was a team of three of us, we sailed along smoothly, also because going to pizza hut and dominoes helped.
We are all fans of Dr. amir khan, no doubt about that. He doesnt always reveal anything extrodinairy about economics always, but just the simple way in which he explains all dull concepts and terms such as GDP, GNP, FDI,FII, that was awesome.
It is essential that I revise and read before I reach Aamir khan's class. I have rarely done anything like that ever but i dont think there's a way i could survive going the way i went on for the past week. For organisation behavior,in many cases he wont explain much, he would straightaway push us to the deep end of the swimming pool.
Now thats where I am right now, the deep end of shit. 500 word essay on Durkheim and two other assignments; scarier one being haldiram bhujiawala's for marketing.

Its still chaotic in my head. cause its chaotic around me.Shit.

PS From here onwards I shall try to steer this blog towards the MBA life of mine, provided i get time to blog and dreamy and hyper tedencies dont grab me when i sit down to write.

PPS Now Nike has reached Bangalore, but he wont be able to roam around much in this hyped city because he goes to school at 8 30 in the morning and its 7 30 in the night when he's back.

Current Music : Two beds and a coffee machine - Savage Garden

The Joy(?) of Giving...

It happened on the day of Christmas.
You see, my vehicle is a dirty little thing. I call it a rickety wuss. It is not a motorcycle. It is a pity. That thing is a very sad sight with me, a six feet tall guy on the road. Ah, well I was parking it on the side of a relatively quiet road in Pune,believe me it was a peaceful road,such a rarity in Pune. At this point I must tell you that since four years my vehicle (ok ok! its a Hero Puch! ..a deranged species of two wheeler no more manufactured in this world!) does not have a handle lock. I carry at its backside an iron chain with a lock to put it around its tyre (pathetic, I know). So generally on such peaceful roads I let go of putting the chain around the tyre. I got down from the vehicle,put it between two handsome,robust,macho motorcycles.As I was just about to put it on the stand, a man started to say something to me from behind.

"What?" I said, my baby still in my hands.

"Oh,sorry,please put it on the stand first.........." He said in marathi.

"Oh boy...there we go again."

Bewildered, I put it on the central stand.I had not locked the iron chain around the tyre. I turned to him.
"Sir, I have to get to "Sangavi" ....I dont have any money .....when bad time dawns upon a man it leaves him stranded like this without money ...without food ...my thekedaar was supposed to come but didnt ....."

It turned out exactly what I had feared. I dont remember much of what he said. What's above is a vague idea that I am giving to you. I got it that he was begging me to give him five rupees. He was about 35, looked a respectable man, sort of. Clothes were okay, clean. He had in his hands a polythene bag which had a plastic tiffin box in it which told me that he would have set out from his home with the food. But his face did not look fine as many of his teeth were broken. As he talked, his tongue moved one of the two teeth on the side. Obviously he consumed tobacco or some such rubbish which ruins your teeth. So he did not much take care of himself.His hair were dishevelled. I was suspicious. But surprisingly he spoke a few things in the middle of his sentences in english.

"Please Sir,... help me..i have to go to sangavi..please give me five rupees..."

"What will five rupees do?"

I knew that Sangavi was a colony on the outers of Pune. He would need more than five rupees to reach sangavi,why was he asking me for five rupees?

"Yes sir, bus ticket to sangavi is twelve rupees....i will mange somehow..."

It was sad to see him plead. My wallet had many coins, a few notes. I gave him a two rupee coin and three one rupee coins. It looks even more ridiculous to give someone money in coins like that. I was still suspicious. I was like, " Okay i will give you the money, but i dont believe you, i still think you are lying.Go! do whateve you want with the money!" The moment the coins landed in his palm he started saying good things for me. "May you be successful in your life....all that you may wish..." ......and all that. .....

I cut him out!

"How are you going to sangavi now?"

"..I'll walk to Chatushringi bus stand..."

I sharply turned away,half listening to his reply, and walked away very fast.

I had this irrational fear that this guy was a thug and he would steal my two wheeler! This fear struck me while i was walking on the road and took a turn. There I looked back to see if he was following me. I did not see him anywere. When I returned I was relieved to see that awful little wuss of a vehicle.
Maybe after I gave him the money he might have started crying and was walking very slowly. How was he going to get the rest of the money? He would have probably begged to someone else, by the time he reached the bus stand. At that I was just anxious to get over and be done with him as soon as possible as I was suspicious. What if he was lying? What if he bought a bottle with that money and lied in a heap of garbage? No one can know. But there are things for which you dont have evidences. I just have a gut feeling now,after two days that he was a good man.Now I feel good that i helped somebody in need, only because i was not harmed.
Last time,on J.M. Road, there came to me a stranded woman with a child in her arms who had to go to some village. I had given her 20 bucks. I know you must be thinking I am a fool. But how the hell do they all find to me?? Gosh, maybe i could have given him 12 bucks.

I did not give with any feeling. And I did not accept his feelings of gratitude and blessings.

My return to Sweety...

"Our USP is Sweety."
" Sweety is disappointing us for past one month....."
So said my friends in Pune.
Just as you might be wondering,I said..."who's sweety? ...is she cute?" They started laughing. "We call our dabbewali aunty,Sweety!" The first flat in pune where i lived was awful but dabbewalya kaku (tiffinbox aunty) used to bring us food in tiffinboxes which was quite fine. She used to give us salad alongwith chapatis and plain rice and dal which she made at her one room, kitchen flat across the road in front of our flat. Sometimes the curries were bland sometimes spicy, sometimes she served egg curry for the ones which asked for that, sabudana khichdi for the ones which had fast on saturdays, thursday nights had specials where we got hommade sweets such as gulabjamuns along with pulav.
Then our landlord asked us to vacate, we were more than happy,I mean what with the broken tiles on the floor and the beer bottles heaped in the attic and all. So we had to leave sweety as well.She was sad,she was serving tiffins to just two flats. Her husband is an autorickshaw driver. He gives her a hundred bucks per week, the rest he keeps for his liquor. She had given tiffins to that flat, all the tenants which came and went away for around 6 years i heard.When she was busy her 12 year old daughter used to drop off the lunchbox on our flat before she reached her school.Sweety is a small plump woman, with round chubby face, tucks the end of her saree tightly around her waist.She used to point finger and wobble her head with concern as she used to tell us which item was in which box. She was now left with tenants of only one flat.She started weeping when we left.
Then I lived at two other places. I heard she got order of 20 people of a company where one my friends worked,he helped her get those 20 customers.Now I got a flat on rent just above hers.They say the quality of her food has now declined, I dont mind.
Mothers are generally left with their children,mind you.From beggers to dabbewali baais,to upperclass people,children are left with their mothers. I have so many examples, I just cant think of them right now. But this is seen at many places,even in movies and tv. Shit, I lose my connection again,I guess this post will end abruptly.
PS: In the past 3 months I had swung my opinion aboutJames Frey's A million little Pieces whenever i leafed through it.Sometimes I think I need to read it(just from the cover,and excerpts).That the worl is not a great place to live in, it is full of cheaters and decievers and its not all worth a damn.I want to see a guy's bleak journey trough pessimism and dealing with suicide.get a taste of the hell.Then my mood improves sometimes,I say "Why are such books written? they arent of any use, people want to become optimistic, there is no use reading such stupid book. Look at great bright people like steve jobs,jack welch etc etc.
Whenever I have held these two opposing opinions, I have called myself stupid.

Ananya

In the last week of January, at the physiotherapist's, I met Ananya for the first time. First I heard her voice, small and sweet little girl I reckoned, but she was asking questions and there was this air about her that hinted maturity.

I heard the caring voice of the physio as she said with a little mischief, but no departure from love,


"Anu!...humein jaldi jaldi exercise karni hain ....February end tak humein chalna hai na? .....kitne dinon se hai tu yahan par!.....mujhe pareshan kar diya hain!"

"We have to exercise and get well and start walking by the end of Feb,you have troubled me for so long!"


And then I knew she couldn’t walk. It didn’t strike me as anything sad right then but I was little curious. And then I saw her as she tried walking, her both hands held by the physio and she took small steps. She was 7 years old I think, round chubby face and had her hair tied in a little ponytail, and had big black eyes. I was looking at her and she was trying to walk. She was looking down at her legs (they had no sign of any deformity, btw) and then she looked at me observing her. And she smiled and blushed and turned down her face again. As in the case of a little child who is rehearsing her first play on any stage, for the first time when she says her dialogues and sees people listen to her voice, she feels a little sense of joy and giggles in her heart. The same feeling i saw in her eyes.

And then seconds later, the fact that she was completely oblivious of her incapability struck me like a heart attack. She is not sad right now. And thank God for the fact that she is so small that she doesnt mourn her incapability. Sits in her own little world uncaring of other children who run and play. Maybe at some level she is sad that she cannot walk, but not as much as a grown up is when he can't walk.

And like a Marathi poet had once said, I am reminded to pray to God to give me back that childhood, when i cared so much less.

I thought, later in her life she will understand things and realise what she had been through. Will enter a new life when she starts walking ......and everything will be alright. But as a grown up maybe she will repent about that time when she couldn't walk and run while others very well could. And also feel very good about herself, that she could come back from some bad place and achieved something greater than others which cannot be quantified, and is her very own power for life.

A month ago I had to go there again. She was still there. I heard her crying a few cots away.......and I had no answers.


I see a great gulf. Some people suffer and suffer and suffer. Others balk in amazing physical well being. Of course they worked hard to stay fit and exercised daily. But what about those who were "born with it" ?

For how long Ananya will not be able to walk, no one can say.

I read somewhere that every man is an end in himself and that his goal in life should not be tangible gains, exactly, but to get to that point where he has poured his best effort and spirit in his life's work.

And then I think everyone has been allotted a certain quota of pain and suffering, of health and all the rest of the things. That pot will be filled in the due course of your life, sooner or later; in installments or in continuity? Nobody knows! But it blesses you with a unique point of view and value of simple things of life. It is your obligation, so long as you live on this earth to face, perform , and achieve despite of everything and whatever that lies for you in your own path.

If I could say it...

Yesterday we had to go to the railway station to book our tickets out of this place to our homes. And in the hot and bright sun at six and quarter in the evening we took a bus to the railway station. The heat is getting unbearable here day after day and I have started getting headaches due to the leathal mixture of heat and the foul smells from this rayon plant which strikes me always when I have to enter or leave the plant. Anyway, so we were on this small bus ride of seven minutes and we observed that a small child, six or seven years old was sitting in the other row of the seats in the bus to the left of us. He was wearing striped stony black and white shirt and pants made out of same cloth.He was contantly looking outside with enthusiasm and such curiosity from the window of the bus. A minute after the bus had left the grasim staff colony,in a moment of my utter wonder and amazement,he turned to us with a huge smile on his face,he started talking loudly in a peculiar madhya pradesh accent/dialect about which I am not sure. I couldn't understand what he was exactly telling us but he was so full of expression on his face and loud with his voice that we couldnt help but laugh.Monu and I made funny faces and made him laugh.The woman on the seat in front of him turned around with a smile and then we knew that she was his mother. She was wearing dark yellow saree and long dangling gold earrings. In the next moment I realised that he was telling us perhaps about what he was seeing from the windows outside. Then he stopped talking, sat still and shot a calm look outside through the window. Then after another minute had one more fit of sorts and animatedly talked again and this time I heard "Train gadi jayenge!" and I realised he was far too much excited about his train journey.After having a good laugh, something sunk in and I felt the convulsions in my brain harden, and I couldnt breathe,my mouth was open and the breath caught halfway in it.I wished I could say things from my heart without that hesitation. I left those days behind of uninhibited flair...when I treated even strangers as friends. This faithlessness, suspicion, confusion,doubt and evil has filled my head.It stops me from opening my mouth in front of all, close ones and strangers alike.
Then we reached the station stepped out of the bus and he left with his mother, talking so loudly about the train that we could hear from a distance.
I am in a cocoon I can never get out of.I want to go back.......I dont want all this.