Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The grotesque playground

Lets turn everything upside down.
If I am never able to be aware about my deepest fear, my weakest link, my bleed... What is it? If I said something and some one understood it. If I loved a film and someone loved it - shared my feelings about it, asked me questions.... If nobody understood what I wrote... So I refuse to make sense...
If I could say it all. If I died and all the people who knew me died then you know what would happen.
And she had pain. And now everyone is living. You were there for me.You scolded me and shouted at me and fed me and treasured my first movements and my voice and my tears. Where did it all go? What is it that I dont know? What is it that you had kept hidden in your heart? Maybe it wasnt there. If I could have been there. And you told me many more things. About your pain. About your memories. Then there were others. And there will be others. I listen and sway and time and its love and care and joy and anxieties and worries and pain are all gone with it. And there will be other loves and people who will care for me. Or maybe I will be alone and broken plastic and bags will obstruct me from moving. There will be no sunlight in the house and no one would know who were the ones who loved me.
There will be rainbows and dew laden gardens across the fences.
Even the mightiest lick feaces on a busy cackling narrow road. There is no justice. There is no god. I dont know anyone. Nobody knows me. Music, images, and words forget me. I never was. But I was given so much love. So much love! Unbounded, pure and unconditional. There was beauty and freedom. All for me. Nobody else. I didnt realize what hit me. I didnt know what I did? I landed on the other corner of the room. I got bruises on the leg. I was terrorized. I was confused and alone. I knew the faces of the walls. I fixed upon the rays of unlight and wooden edifices of my precious and cared and lonely life. Music came and went. Friends came and left.
There are reasons. There are obstacles. There is courage and need to do things which one doesnt want to do. To compete and make a mark. Achieve. Earn money. More than others. Prove to others. Show them. Work.Work.Work.Fight.Fight.Fight.Fight.Fight.Noble reasons.Upward motion. Goals. Courage taunts. So that you can have. HAVE. Want - the person, the things and the money and the house and the things.
What happens with books vaporizes. Films - basterds, vaporize. Music weeps, vaporizes. I turn away. There is another person. What could I say? The words about what? What matters, why this? I could say what others said and I could do what others did.

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