Atonement ("The story can resume...")

“Find you, love you, marry you, and live without shame.” 

Could a man's life, at one point in it, be summed up in the above sentence? Would that be an indifferent oversimplification or just doing away of the trivial burdens of the rest of the life.
For the past week I have been taken in by Atonement. As it happens with me, I am always "taken in" .... bewitched, by one film or the other and it is a compulsion to watch it again and again till the parts of the whole start becoming smaller and smaller , till they become mundane. The progression is, the parts of the film become bigger, (vis-a- vis the whole) in repeated viewings, reveal themselves, enchant me, and then in further viewing start becoming smaller and mundane (which is sad and I wish I could consciously avoid it. Its possible to avoid it and i'm, working on it) So, I've loved Atonement, the movie. I am reading the novel and haven't finished it. While I'm reading it, the things I  instinctively felt about the tragedy, the story of the film were confirmed by the first seven chapters of the novel (that's where I'm at right now). I cried a lot. A lot. And I havent felt this way about a hero, the way I have about Robbie Turner, and Briony Tallis. I am happy that a character like Briony Tallis was created and am more than pleased with its portrayal by Ronan.
I was in love with the music of the film, especially, Elegy for Dunkirk and the four and a half minute long, uninterrupted shot, a single shot. I cant put into words (that is the reason I have started the study of literature, sentences and words and enrolled for a degree in English) how this single shot made me cry (of course) and touched the unseen parts of my heart. I am now thinking if the fact that its single shot worked against the film in some ways. The shot led me to explore its beautiful and powerful soundtrack and I somehow ended up listening to a lot of soundtracks of many films - among them - James Newton Howard's Sixth Sense. I thought, Atonement would very well fall apart in front of external logic (Do you see how the Robbie being accused of the crime is treated illogically, how can he be raping Lola if the cousins can testify he was the one who found them? Its lame how a bee draws Briony to witness the fountain encounter and a fallen ornament to the library.) But Shyamalan's films are enthusiastically accused and suffer this very argument  and  are disliked because it seems he's losing his touch and critics seem to take pleasure of this sad progression or decline of his career unfolding in front of their eyes.
Never let me go (2010) and now Atonement. I like these movies because they give me pain. Just give me eternal pain and sorrow, destitution, desolation, misery and most importantly, misfortune. A sense of pre determination, fate, loss of control and power over life, something shared by us all, Robbie and soldiers of war - a war which plays dice with lives of courageous noble men of honor. I thought of that part of our heart that says, this is it, this is the misfortune I've been given, because I have done something wrong - a mistake by the library - what my body made me do - the impulses of the body felt so strongly and uncontrollable in the moment. The part of our heart which makes a different choice of emotion - of pain and misery. How can we choose to be sad? unhappy? When Robbie talks with Cee in the cafe before leaving for the war, he confesses his guilt - he wishes he hadnt done what he did in the library to her, and now that act will haunt him and ruin his life.
The case of the film Atonement descends into tragedy because the initial premise of languishing well being and comfort wasn't going anywhere in the first place. What with swims and wasting by the pool...Cee and Robbie were a class apart anyway and Robbie was in debt of Cee's father and that's just not man enough of him. Cee and her mother have nothing to do around the house and what is Robbie doing gardening around after a degree from Cambridge? Who the fuck cares what I think about any fucking movie that comes out in the horde of movies every fucking year? But no-one cares what you think about movies or about what you think about my opinions either. So- what its really about is one's expression and venting. Its a very selfish exercise and nobody should expect to make a living out of anything remotely like this or writing as a whole.
Robbie sees many 13 - 15 year old school girls dead and laid in front of him (it had to be little girls not a random agglomeration of dead bodies) and  nobody held accounted for murder of innocent while his life and lives of millions of soldiers of nations are expendable.
Children. Someone has to pay for the negligence towards children. For, no-one understands how frustrating it is to be a child (Remember what Clementine said? ...that was in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, by the way) and there is loneliness and helplessness when nobody understands your experiences as a child. The judgments about sex and love, intimacy, relationships that children -like Briony - derive, are misguided; but they were taken for granted, always, in the first place. When a child sees the act of love making by chance, he/ she is almost always alone and its always upto him what to make of it. How to deal with the horror or the otherworldliness of it. Thanks to McEwan a story is constructed so that people pay for taking for granted a 13 year old's perceptions. I mean who cares about the perceptions about sex of a 13 year old? Her mother certainly doesnt. Nobody cares to shape them, guide them and show the proper way. I am angry with this world of self help and religious buffoonery which is at your service for your problems of life when you are adults.  Sixth sense was about fears, healing and purpose of life and actions and conditions of a little boy. With stories of tragedy or premise of supernatural writers want to bring to light the confusion of childhood. A play is how Briony is dealing with the concept of love and everything surrounding her - as it turns out writing is the tool of dealing with childhood travesties for her and for the rest of her life, a support. Music of typewriter deftly conveys brutal snap judgments - it is Briony's language. In the end she,- a coward till the very end - a prisoner to the 13 year old self confesses she could not confront neither her sister nor Robbie. She could make a gesture of atonement the only way she knew - through writing. I think our inability to deal with children can be the single most important crime and the source of all our undoing.
The ending is the kicker. What is real? Have we been seeing the narrative of Briony herself? The ultimate vanity of a novelist? Did Briony decide,all along the narrative of Robbie and Cecilia's love that we see on screen? How will a happy ending change you? What purpose will be served by reality or honesty? Who's escape is it, the writer's or the reader's? It was she, the god, who gave them their happiness. In the face of Venessa Redgrave you see the 13 year old who hasnt changed, who still says it like it is, to the brain of a writer.
Could this film touch those who lost dear ones on the last day of evacuation of Dunkirk? Lives which  were changed by chance cruelly, simply swayed like a branch of a tree and a lifetime of love and longing was decreed.

David Fincher's two sequences

Your honour, take a look at what David Fincher has done. If you look at the second halves of his last two films - The curious case of Benjamin Button and The social network, you will find sequences. These two sequences seem different and they, according to my keen eye, are there for a reason. A reason different than just telling the story of the film.
Most important thing to note is that they are sequences. They are like mini stories, they have a beginning, a middle and an end.
Secondly they're quite distinct from the flow of the story and yet connected to it in a very integral way, as my evidence that will follow, shall inconclusively prove.
They seem to give a new lease of life to viewers' point of view. They rouse their curiosity and give them an experience that is a bit slanting, for the lack of a better word, from what they've been having for the last hour or so.
They are strategically placed in the second half of the film because that is when, its my suspicion, that the attention of the audience is most susceptible to wane.
So first I present to you the Henley sequence from the Social Network.

This is the easier one to talk about. Quite clearly Mr. Finchers' skills as a music video director have come very handy here. A little introduction - till now in the film, Mark Zuckerberg has left Harvard and is working with Sean Parker on is start up. He seems to be in the hold of Sean's billion dollar ideas. Out of nowhere this sequence comes in. Dark blue and cloudy skies, lush green fields and great music to boot. The audience realizes that this is a complete change of scene from the academic environment of the film till now. Literally a different continent altogether. And it has no clue where and why we're here. Music slowly creeps till we see the Winklewii. Artistry of Fincher is in showing the intensity grow. For authenticity's sake Armie Hammer and his body double prepared like a real row crew member for the sake of this less-than two-minute sequence. We feel the intensity of competition grow - the theme of the film. 
The idea of the start up is like floating in the air among individuals and teams of Harvard. Question is who will make the most of it and get there first?

Second one is my favorite, its beautiful and its heart rending. This mini story has been narrated like Benjamin is a preacher, a very humble one at that..God, you gotta love Brad Pitt's voice. The shot shows him feet to the head - waiting for Daisy. We dont know why she's in a hospital. Things go in and out of sequence, depending on occurrence of the events. The director controls the experience that is being delivered to the audience and I have never seen a better example of this ever before. See for yourself - 2:20 to 2:50 -  these moments have been hair raising for me. See how ambient sounds of a hospital effect our emotions at 2:50 - 3:00. In this period I felt pain because we get to see how it could have been.  If only! A dancer would know the world of pain a broken leg can give. Sharp editing - voice over and shot of Daisy's broken leg in the hospital - that is the first sight of her. David Fincher you are genius
This film is about letting go. "Whether its because of accident or design. there's not a thing that we can do about it." Its a small demonstration of the uncertainty in out life. The question is the same that Forrest Gump asked his Momma at her grave. His life was the parable of the same - is life luck or fate or maybe both? On the other hand Benjamin Button's life is about being different - and letting go of the questions and comments about his age, his appearance.
Quite simply Daisy has been hit by a taxi, her ballet career is over. There's nothing she can do about it. But there is a way of narrating the incident. In doing that, David also demonstrates the inexplicable and absurd nature of life.


Come to think of it Bollywood director's use item songs, or songs of any kind to give a new lease of life to the second half of the film. Take a bow David Fincher - you do it so much more craftily.

The grotesque playground

Lets turn everything upside down.

If I am never able to be aware about my deepest fear, my weakest link, my bleed... What is it? If I said something and some one understood it. If I loved a film and someone loved it - shared my feelings about it, asked me questions.... If nobody understood what I wrote... So I refuse to make sense...

If I could say it all. If I died and all the people who knew me died then you know what would happen.

And she had pain. And now everyone is living. You were there for me.You scolded me and shouted at me and fed me and treasured my first movements and my voice and my tears. Where did it all go? What is it that I dont know? What is it that you had kept hidden in your heart? Maybe it wasnt there. If I could have been there. And you told me many more things. About your pain. About your memories. Then there were others. And there will be others. I listen and sway and time and its love and care and joy and anxieties and worries and pain are all gone with it. And there will be other loves and people who will care for me. Or maybe I will be alone and broken plastic and bags will obstruct me from moving. There will be no sunlight in the house and no one would know who were the ones who loved me.

There will be rainbows and dew laden gardens across the fences.

Even the mightiest lick feaces on a busy cackling narrow road. There is no justice. There is no god. I dont know anyone. Nobody knows me. Music, images, and words forget me. I never was. But I was given so much love. So much love! Unbounded, pure and unconditional. There was beauty and freedom. All for me. Nobody else. I didnt realize what hit me. I didnt know what I did? I landed on the other corner of the room. I got bruises on the leg. I was terrorized. I was confused and alone. I knew the faces of the walls. I fixed upon the rays of unlight and wooden edifices of my precious and cared and lonely life. Music came and went. Friends came and left.

There are reasons. There are obstacles. There is courage and need to do things which one doesnt want to do. To compete and make a mark. Achieve. Earn money. More than others. Prove to others. Show them. Work.Work.Work.Fight.Fight.Fight.Fight.Fight.Noble reasons.Upward motion. Goals. Courage taunts. So that you can have. HAVE. Want - the person, the things and the money and the house and the things.

What happens with books vaporizes. Films - basterds, vaporize. Music weeps, vaporizes. I turn away. There is another person. What could I say? The words about what? What matters, why this? I could say what others said and I could do what others did.

Authority and 'good,honest,innocent men'

The most important message of a crucifix, was how cruel supposedly sane human beings can be when under orders from a superior authority.

- Kurt Vonnegut

Charles Xavier: Erik, you said yourself - we're the better men. This is the time to prove it. There are thousands of men on those ships, good, honest, innocent men. They're just following orders!

Erik Lehnsherr (Magneto): I've been at the mercy of men just following orders... never

again!

- X Men First Class

What would my Dad have done?

Vinnaithandi Varuvaya

If I were a 22 year old and saw someone like Trisha day in and day out near my house I too would probably fall head over heels for her. But I'm me. Its hard to tell why people fall in love and whats that all about. How is physical attraction love? If people couldnt agree on the life's fundamental questions or were'nt humble to accept the differences then how can there be love? no matter how attractive they are. I'm way past that phase of love at first sight. how the hell does that happen and how do you know. geee...

But the film was very beautiful. I have become cynical about romance films. The one closest to my heart is Eternal sunshine.... anything shallow and pretentious just goes for a toss. and whats shallow you ask .... different blog post for that.

This film has good acting by the two leads, for most of the time in the film. Such films make me optimistic, that probably there's something real to romantic cinema.

This was my first Tamil film that I watched with subtitles. I had seen Anjali and Alai Payuthe. but that was not watching the film in the exact sense of the term.

Anyway, the film is good because it has a soul. A kind of craziness which few i ve seen to have the courage to be honest.

If its Bombay we destroy cinema halls cause we just cant stand that muslim and hindu got married. So the film says yeah its really difficult for such couple to survive. Its got the soul because it goes a couple of layers deeper in portraying the weaknesses and struggles the two have to go through. So the two will conform and will listen to the heart but wont withstand the pressures. They will live with broken hearts because nobody always gets everything. They conformed the way society and families wanted them to.

Towards the end I started loving the pain of staying apart. Its beautiful the way they are apart. No, dont live happily ever after. Thats not your fate. You be there incomplete and broken and in a gaping hole. You see the love which will never be yours and you stay there in your melancholy.

the heartbreak is what works for the film.

If you have to have everything you really need to take tough decisions. If your girlfriend needs to come down to be with you thats a personal front. On the work front you know you're learning the trade of filmmaking as a nobody, the producer may not allow his girlfriend to be on the set. Here I felt the dude really had to step up. That was the point where Jessie lost the struggle and caved in to family pressures. You know what, you want to chase your dream and have the girl of your dreams, you gotta step up. I love both of the characters precisely cause they are so human.

I was hoping that when Jessie says she doesnt like films, for the first time I thought she's just saying so as to repel him. Later it turns out she was serious, which was a bit confusing.

Dont get me wrong I loved the ending. I just hope the director showed some style in the way he showed the shattering the illusion of the two living happily for the rest of their lives.

This reminds me a quote from the movie A single man:

"Sometimes awful things have their own kind of beauty."

This beauty in weakness and struggle and just the fragility of being human is what I like in this film as I did in the eternal sunshine. As opposed to run of the mill films that worship how heroic the heroes are.

I was chuckling most of the time that I was watching because how frank the film was. I mean how do you just say "I love you" wierd. Regards to the very first line - In that age its difficult to separate the physical attraction from a solid relationship. The guy acted very well. Amazing in fact, the longing, the restlessness im sure many can realte to. As the time passes, where is the "chemistry" that he talks about when he was courting her?. To avoid fooling yourself and your loved one is a challenge.

i was also chuckling because i recalled the fond(?) memories of my time in kerala.

As always rahman's music defines the colors of emotions in new ways. Every song of his teaches me something new and there is a lot I can write about. And I love this tickling as I giggle and listen to 'Anbil Avan' right now - how these songs convey emotions to me when I cant understand a single word.

I love this poster too.

PS: I might as well have addressed this post to Keeths.

I'm lost,my time is lost

"How many days have I lost?

How can I get back
to the place where I started?

I'm outside a house.
Trying to find my way in.

But it is locked and the blinds are down.

And I've lost the key.

And I can't remember what the rooms
look like or where I put anything.

And if I dare go in inside. I wonder...

will I ever be able to find my way out?"

- Proof (2005)

My pointer - the moment.

A long weekend of my life

Sometimes there is a moment in life when the things start spinning around you. You start seeing something. People are walking, doing their stuff and you have just had a moment. You know something and see something. You dont need a verification. You see it in your mid's eye. All is going on on its own. And the definition of what you see what you believe in and what all is has just received a major overhaul. I dont want to call it a name. The moment I talk about it it starts to seem different to me.

Its something like a concept in quatum mechanics. What the thing is - an electron for example - its existence - changes depending on its observer. Where are YOU when you observe it? Its not the thing - its the thing and the observer - the system between them. So this blog post which you are reading right now, may, may have a different effect on different people on different times that they read(I mean the reading 2 days from the first time that you read it). Just like AR Rahman's music has a different effect and good films have different effect on multiple viewing. This is the biggest funda in life and it applies not just in science.

It happened to me because I read. If it had happened to me sometime earlier it may not have had the same effect. Thoughts grew to that point and when I read a few sentences I had a smile on my face. I was a little delirious.

I had a lot of time on my hands. The school had Annual Day function on Thursday and Friday, so I had four big days. What did I do? I am not going to reveal all that I did but some of that I spent reading and thinking and writing. And this activity sent me into a little jolts of depression - depending on what I read and also a moment about which i mentioned in the beginning.

I want to do here is to give an incomplete description of what I feel and enlist all the resources from which I read, the books the blogs and quotes. It is my ambition to get published someday. And all these are endeavors in that direction.

Long time ago I read this blog post and it set in motion my thoughts about work and purpose in a more focused way. Here is the essay by Hardy. The most important notion I feel is similar to the quantum mechanics thing is that talking about the work you do changes your purpose and your work. Then will the work of your life keep changing once you ask questions and you mind seeks new horizons to explore?

Paul Auster's Invention of solitude sent me into depression for a day. Then brought me back. He showed me the images in Pinochchio. Images from my life and the thoughts about my father were swimming in front of my eyes and it gave me a certain freedom. It showed me how fragile life is. More quotes from this book, here.

Reading Catcher in the Rye the second time wasnt as entertaining. but you see a lot more. you can see past the words. A line struck me, as it happens again and again, I started seeing things.

"Almost every time somebody gives me a present, it ends up making me sad."

J.D. Salinger has this rambling way of making Holden Caulfield tell you a story, full with 50s American slang and style, these gems are embedded in the middle of loneliness and aimlessness. I thought its been a decade that I have been struggling with guilt. Even when something good happens I am guilty about it. Why? Because there is this feeling that I dont deserve it. Maybe as the only child I got things, all the things I wanted very easily. So if its heads I'm guilty and if its tails I'm guilty. I love guilt and I wallow in it. This saves you from doing something - anything to get ahead in life.You like being that victim and you persecute yourself. Persecute! Cut to -

Dom Cobb: I know what's real Mal.

Mal: No creeping doubts? Not feeling persecuted, Dom? Chased around the globe by annonymous corporations and police forces, the way the projections persecute the dreamer? Admit it, you don't believe in one reality anymore. So choose, choose to be here, choose me.

I love Inception not for what it is, but for what it means to me. Its not what the movie or anything in life is – it’s the projection that is there in your head that matters. We love to cuddle some projections in our minds. They persecute us, we let them. The game goes on for years! The game will consume your life if you let it. First be aware that all this is there. Then conquer it.

"Human beings have an inalienable right to invent themselves; when that right is pre-empted it is called brain-washing." - Germaine Greer

I visualize that projections in my head are like bubbles or soft cushions from which I constantly keep bouncing off my actions and decisions. These bubbles you create reactively for yourself. What you need to create for yourself are powerful projections for execution, creation, development and growth of skills. You invent these and they in turn will invent your character. As the above quote says - you have the right to invent yourself. Immediately picture in my brain is that of a mad scientist that is me in my lab, putting projections together - they are chemicals red, blue bright silver and they mix and i start the engines and they rn wild and explode and i control them. I invent a new me. This notion I find very powerful. Dont accept others' opinions without questioning. Protect the projections from getting adulterated.

I get the freedom to let it out spell it out and say yes - it is true. I admit and then comes along another thing that gives me strength to admit the fuck ups.

I was in the book shop and browsing I chance upon two books, completely unrelated and the situation mentioned in the beginning of this post presented itself. i didnt have to open the books, the blurbs gave me the breakthrough.

First I saw House of Cards, it’s a book about the big financial crisis. Written in bold letters was “We all F***ed up!” I said to myself if Nobel prize winners in Economists, Harvard an other Ivy league business and management gurus sat and watched the fuck ups then I think I am allowed to fail. And I said “yes, I admit I wasted my parents’ money doing an MBA that did not amount to anything much. The teachers didn’t teach me anything in Information Systems and I didn’t learn anything. More than anything I am the one to blame. I shouldn’t have taken up the job. I should have taken marketing. I shouldn’t have taken MBA if I didn’t want it. I shouldn’t have taken MSC (Hons) in Chemistry if I didn’t want it. I should have stuck to Medical if that was my passion. Only I am to be blamed if I fucked up. I admit. So there. The truth as it is. So I say if these big guys can get away with billion dollar fuck ups and thousands of job losses, if politicians can swallow crores without burping, if thousands’ deaths can be justified in the name of race, religion and blasphemy then I sure can be given a second chance for the fuck ups of my life.

Then I found a book and got the second jolt. The blurb on a book called Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse reads as follows:

The unhappiness that I need and long for, is of the kind that will let me suffer with eagerness and die with lust. That is the unhappiness or happiness that I am waiting for.

I had to stop doing anything and sit down for this to sink in. This made me write and write and write. All which I cant put up here.

I spent considerable time writing, not just this weekend but the Christmas vacation as well, as I mentioned in my last post. It has given me so much space in my mind. You explore new meaning in life by writing. Its essential for a good memory to write. Meaning of things and purpose crystallizes by writing. You see things more clearly and plan things well. One must devote time for writing, reading what you have written and plan accordingly. At a level of ideas, your mind is muddled, you have this incomplete definition of things and for me this definition is completed by writing.

In the course of last 9 months teaching communicative English at a school in Kochi I have had tremendous change in my confidence. I have gained this love for my voice and I know for sure that I want to teach. I remember this video lecture by Larry Lessig and it reminds me that there is such power in good presentation. I want to be able to do that. That is my aspiration.

I have no qualms telling that I am quite a socially underdeveloped individual. For a major portion of my life I was and probably still am pampered and cared for as the only child. I never had to wash my own clothes and do other things like that. I have spent a lot of time in my childhood being alone, and having nothing to do. It may sound a bit obvious and simplistic but the biggest problem of children is the lack of activity. I see in the school LOTS of children spend HOURS in the school doing absolutely nothing. This is sureshot recipe for all kinds of trouble, bad habits, low self esteem and zero skills just to name a few. I am prone to jealousy, guilt, anxiety, nervousness, little depression maybe (I don’t know), very reactive. I realize the pattern of things happening in my life. Writing helped me find my way of dealing with my persecutions. Films helped my find my way out of the lack of social skills. My friends like Monica, Jammy, Piyush, Jassi, cousins, Ameya dada, Sneha, Sonal, Babbu, Chonki, Appu, Priyanka, Sapna, Hrishikesh, all, just by being there have given my such a support. And after writing I started doing the necessary. Step by step. I stumble, get up, go back, make mistakes again, go down then get up again.

In the Christmas holidays I read Doris Lessing’s autobiography Under my skin. Most important thing I learnt was you don’t need education to teach you life lessons. Her and Ray Bradbury’s lives bear testimony that you learn by finding you own way. Education from books is not even half the learning. That being said, I find once people start working they cant go back to books. They seek answers in self help books because they seem to give instant answers. Never go for short cuts. One needs eye for brave writing, different from mollycoddling inspirational self help, mind open to ideas and comprehension of all kinds of writing. In real life one gets disillusioned by events, nothing seems to make sense. One needs to synchronize book knowledge, principles, opinions with the real life.

And as I teach in school I learn that telling is useless – showing and taking a person through a process is most important.

From Lessing’s life another fact that strikes the most is health – the connection of the mind with the body – the confidence that one derives by the strength of the organs, muscles, by being close to nature one tunes into the rhythm. The sun, the rain, I think I have tuned off from these.

I found that asking the question “what is life? What does it mean?” is futile. Jumping in is the best way. Make mistakes, read, ask questions and listen. There is nothing right or wrong. Once you get some answers you have to live in circumstances, do the deeds, make things work, trial and error to see the meaning of the answers. There is no use knowing. You have to see it in action and I then see the beauty of life. It can’t be described. It’s just to full of chaos and uncertainty and colors and sparks. Everything can be turned on its head and it’ll still be true.

I will conclude by quoting Ray Bradbury. He tells me that each day has these infinite possibilities waiting. Nothing is impossible. Every moment there is the next level of awareness to be achieved.

I get out of bed every morning and explode.

PS: I have told a lot of things in this rambling post. Telling never works for people. Note to self: Even after this you may go down but you know how to get up again. Dont worry if nobody reads your blog and if they do then find it bland and repetitive. We knew this all along Nik whats so great about all this? The usual inspiration crap....... Telling never works.