If I could say it...

Yesterday we had to go to the railway station to book our tickets out of this place to our homes. And in the hot and bright sun at six and quarter in the evening we took a bus to the railway station. The heat is getting unbearable here day after day and I have started getting headaches due to the leathal mixture of heat and the foul smells from this rayon plant which strikes me always when I have to enter or leave the plant. Anyway, so we were on this small bus ride of seven minutes and we observed that a small child, six or seven years old was sitting in the other row of the seats in the bus to the left of us. He was wearing striped stony black and white shirt and pants made out of same cloth.He was contantly looking outside with enthusiasm and such curiosity from the window of the bus. A minute after the bus had left the grasim staff colony,in a moment of my utter wonder and amazement,he turned to us with a huge smile on his face,he started talking loudly in a peculiar madhya pradesh accent/dialect about which I am not sure. I couldn't understand what he was exactly telling us but he was so full of expression on his face and loud with his voice that we couldnt help but laugh.Monu and I made funny faces and made him laugh.The woman on the seat in front of him turned around with a smile and then we knew that she was his mother. She was wearing dark yellow saree and long dangling gold earrings. In the next moment I realised that he was telling us perhaps about what he was seeing from the windows outside. Then he stopped talking, sat still and shot a calm look outside through the window. Then after another minute had one more fit of sorts and animatedly talked again and this time I heard "Train gadi jayenge!" and I realised he was far too much excited about his train journey.After having a good laugh, something sunk in and I felt the convulsions in my brain harden, and I couldnt breathe,my mouth was open and the breath caught halfway in it.I wished I could say things from my heart without that hesitation. I left those days behind of uninhibited flair...when I treated even strangers as friends. This faithlessness, suspicion, confusion,doubt and evil has filled my head.It stops me from opening my mouth in front of all, close ones and strangers alike.
Then we reached the station stepped out of the bus and he left with his mother, talking so loudly about the train that we could hear from a distance.
I am in a cocoon I can never get out of.I want to go back.......I dont want all this.

A Monday morning session

What the PS mates(Nike,Monu and Teesu) did on a Monday morning, instead of going to the plant and working....









Its thewindow just above my bed, and we opened it to let the fresh air in and found on the edge this dead, dried but uncrumpled little thing, lying on the carpet of powdery soot.

Current Music: One of the best songs i have ever heard in my whole life. Its magical, heavenly, hypnotic....ohh so many more things! Its Teri Deewani by Kailash Kher ...actually by Kailasa, the band formed by the three guys Kailsh, Paresh, Naresh. The most important thing is that the video so matches the beauty of this song.The backing vocals of Paresh and Naresh are good ..and in Kailash's voice you can catch the taste of Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan time and again during the whole song.Piano, flute, percussion, guitars and of course the voice are a sublime combination.

enter the psycho

..wish i really knew ....I AM I AM I AM!!! ...TERI,Delhi.."it will take 10 days for the mail to reach ok?" ...the 8 page long letter made the child happy ....and someday stopped writing ...i lost you .......he cannot give up and neither can we .....and we cried on the phone ..."make enemies of friends and search for the ounce of friendship" and .........why do you do this ?? its the end of time and crap thats all that has remained .......thats the way you run from piller to pole ....the cd ....why? ...call centers ...Discovery Travel and living ..."among evil strangers"...sigh! .....but thats the price you pay ...and you go on and on ....why do u write this?? .....the macabre void ...the humm of the machines ....the roomies ....i am sorry ...does that suffice?? DOES SORRY SUFFICE?? ...but thats what you do ...but i am sorry .......it ends tonight .....tamaso ma jyotirgamaya...carl brashear ......john nash ....akiva goldsman ...naval chief sundae ....i dinn check the mail .......blog ...will call you ... flatliners .....that space in my eyes i see ...between nowhere and goodbye .....joel schumacher ....fire on the amazon...the pitiless venom dragged it back ......you were different back then you cannot expect that from them ...they did their best ....Maggie,...i got nobody but you frankie....the cousins...be proud...the big brother...one year.....time between the breaths the little pump cudnt help so she helped herself ....bit her tongue ...nearly bled to death....felt no ure to move....danger, there's no such thing as a stupid question ....anyone can lose one fight........ the little angel .....fought her way out of this world ....that was her destiny .....hatwalne.....exams are over..books are coming by parcel..thats the way you come and i am sure thaers no different way to leave .......you trick everyone like this......but that way you are still the same.....the three ...they were ordinary people ...Mr Krishnarao S/o Gunawantrao.....marathi crosswords in Tarun Bharat.....sanskrit...sit sit sit!!!........d/o SSR ....... coimbatore ....Patvardhan High School ....nagpur ........ i am sorry i said so about it .........blink.. nikhilesh vishwas deshpande ......can i get a cup of coffe? no sorry...

New!

Ricky and saikat join my friends list this week ....just glad that the gang members are waking upto blogspot ...and Sandheer has also started it seems but i wont link him until i get to know that he's gonna blog regularly and not just leave the blog with just one snap of his (sandheer rulz hfjsgf!!... get out!!) ....
sigh! i wish i was with my friends on their trip to goa aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhh!!!! damn damn damn!!!...i hate myself!!! ohhh i so so soooooo wish i was there.
Anyway, gotta get back to quant.

current music: Bhagere Man -Chameli , sunidhi chauhan's voice is heavan man, cant believe it ...amazing ...does listening to this song make me a bit girly? i think so, so i switch to Ya ali- Gangster, damn cool song.
Current passion: My story, i love love love writing it! ..and i seem to be thinking about it maniacally and the sentences play in my head like an AR Rehman song..ahh heavenly bliss.

Current Mood: Pissed ......still.

But for less trivial reasons this time around.
Why is my blood boiling?

1: Justin Berry:It all started on the holiday - HOLI day and i had nothing to do ...i could have slept but no i had to turn on the tv and watch Oprah interview a dude named Justin Berry which kicked off in my mind a sick whirlwind of sorts.Read about him, if you must, here

2: Shobha : Next day I got ample of internet time coz 3 outta 6 of us guys had gone home so noone was on the comp.And i reached Shobha's blog from Pooja's and read her(and others' even worse)story.I have linked her on both my blogs.These stories (Justin's and shobha's) make me sad as much as they enrage me.
Read the particular article here

3:Manadel al Jamadi- And today i read( a bit too late) about al jamadi and this isnt the snap i saw in the TIME (old issue,the GRASIM club library had loads of em heaped like junk) mag,in tht snap it was just his son and his eyes were shut with grief,which had a sickening effect on me.
He shall live a life of a loser,rot in the deserts of uncertainty and weakness and impotence.You lost your father to a bunch of whackos,kid....macho hunks and men and women of such courage ...they had so much fun with is body,froze it like candy and had a gala time with his corpse on the camera.You are destined to rot in this hell kid,you have no future.
the wiki article




4:one other thing i cant name but hell lot worse than these,and unfortnately on the same lines......sigh..

One other line i read in TIME review of the book Two Lives.This is one of the concluding lines of the book...

Behind every door, on every ordinary street, in every hut in every ordinary village on this middling planet of a trivial star such riches are to be found.
-Vikram Seth

Sir,i opened a door of a house in a shady street in an Indian small town which was not very different from the small suburbs of the big cities and know what i found? teachers,lawyers doctors fathers engineers ...seemingly ordianry people which a genial smile on their faces ..interacting with children girls and boys and other people in general with a caring pretence.They had demons in their heads.The alley that leads to such houses is very dark Mr Seth.Apparently very VERY normal people turned out to be psychopaths and paedophiles.And this world is turning out to be much more murkier place and i see no light in this hellhole.A total catastrophe.

And some trivial things which make me awfully irritable these days

1 Asha Bhosle - What the fuck is wrong with her? Go grandma stay in your house and enjoy the respect you have gained over the decades with hard work.Dont go on losing it on MTV dancing on 1 2 cha cha cha.... i think some people no matter how old,or of what status need to be taught some lessons ....some like her dont know when to stop and accept the fact that your time in the limelight is over.Havent you heard of dignified exit ..as in tennis?
2 Himesh Reshammia - the black capped dog goes ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo huzoooooooooooooooooooooooor on every channel.
3 A new smokey smokerson around me...
4 My awful new haircut.
5 The fact that people around me fuss about food ..i mean just the second the food arrives on the table Monu goes "Ye bhi koi khana hai!" tht fucker! i could have just slapped him then and there coz he totally ruined my appetite...ugh!!

And NO! I havent yet seen Rang De Basanti so i wont say "I'm a Rebel!!" and am yet to "Lose Control" ..coz of the fact that i am stuck in yet another creepy tiny town without a decent cinema theatre or a cd rental....just gotta wait for Aug i guess till i am off to Mumbai!! ..hmm..ok..

Current Music : Pure Indipop to cool off my head- Dil Samandar....dooba dooba dooba dooba dooba dooba dooba dooba.......................(infinite loop)
from Garam Masala

Oh so funny...

I guess i'll try to shrug off all the anger ..


"Sometimes only the subversiveness of comedy can do justice to the extremes of horror"
-Amy Tan
"The secret source of humour itself is not joy,but sorrow.There is no humour in heaven"
-Mark Twain

Current Music:Maut-Lucky Ali

Current Mood: Pissed !

Fuck Grasim Fuck Birla and fuck all the firewalls and dimwitted internet admins all over the goddamn world...
the tagboards on both my blogs have been blocked ..son of a bitch...
now i am gonna hve to enable comments on the other one and ask you people to type "hdffgd" or something worse to comment.
fuck it i can see the tagboard on Luna's blog but on mine i see "IWSS Security Event (Proxy-55)...." ..wtf is going on?? AAAAAAAAARRRGHH!! ..I could kill Aditya fuckin birla rt now ..but guess what ....he's already dead.

Ye pet nahin koonwan hai

Either that or the mess food sucks big time OR God save my appetite...

It was just another evening in Nagda ..i had my dinner with two of my PS mates ....had 4 rotis I guess with chole ...ya man its first time I am eating chole with rotis ..anyway ...so we had our dinner and I had gone to my room...was just doing my stuff ...till 9 in the night until Monu barges into my room ...wearing a white Hutch T shirt (which he got for free from the Hutch stall during oasis .in some basky kinda game ..poor hutch guys dinn know he was the basky team captain :P)and shorts, completely drenched in sweat and badminton racquet in his hand..

" ...played like mad today man ..cant eat here now! ..food left over here must taste awful at this late hour ...you have to accompany me to the dhaba ...right now..come on ..lets go!"

"NO way dude I ve already had my dinner.."

"not asking you to eat ..just give me company over there."

"I cant just look at you and truckwalas while you eat PBM and those delicious rotis! "

"then you too can eat if you want"

"No man I don't think I can eat again"

"O plz plz plz!."

"O no no no!!."

"o come on man you know the food is great out there....lets go.."

"its 9 rt now ...by the time we reach there it l be 9 35 or so .and by the time we will have food in front of us it ll be 10 10-15 ...my stomach will be fucked be ...and then we ll probably be back by 11 or so and..."

"ARE YOU COMING OR NOT???"

"...well okay ..there isn't anything worthwhile in my life to do I guess ill go there ...wtf.."

and so we went on feet down the dark and dreary and dusty awful road to a dhaba ....and by the time we reached the tin tappar dhaba .my stomach probably made some space by itself for PBM I guess or what heavenly force made us order 2 plates PBM (Oh ya thts Paneer Butter Masala) ....to my utter surprise i ordered one more plate of PBM which we shared among us I ended up eating 10 delicious butter rotis more (a yumyum yum)......amazingly so.

And guess what ..the next day we got stipend so we were just too glad tht we had money so we again ended up on the same dhaba.

but out here ...there arent many good places to eat ....maybe later on ill do a ps1 vs ps2 analysis...foodwise.

Current Music: Lucky Ali-Sifar..!! that smmooooth heavenly voice is back in my head God bless Lucky Ali ...i have listened to and revered every single song that he has sung ..i seriously think his songs are waaay beyond the appreciation of the indian audiences ...i dunno why but somehow i do.I wish I had songs of his other albums mostly Aks (the album i mean) which had more romantic ones...someone plz go tell hi to make more songs!!! ..like these ...though i have to admit the lyrics seem OHT more than often...

Musafir ko mile raasta
Zamane ko mile waasta..

Current Music

Ode to my family:Cranberries
One last breath:Creed
A New day has come:Celine Dion
Heal the World:Michael Jackson

I wrote a little something here

Current Goddess: Lisa Kudrow - Phoebe Buffay - Regina Felangy.

Whats on my mind....

Interpreter of maladies

Jhumpa Lahiri


Last Saturday went to Bhopal,cought a passenger huffing and puffing to Ujjain at 3 pm with Rushali .. we were hit by such a huge crowd that i didnt even know where she disappeared in it and then I dinn get any place to sit and was standing for 1.5 hours in the horrible journey then took bus to Devas from ujjain coz i dinn get any direct bus to bhopal from ujjain either and then again a bus from devas to bhopal,reached home at 10 in the night.Left for nagda at 6 in the evening on sunday and then started the ultimate torture of my life as i travelled in the general compartment.Its description is impossible.My mom gave me the dinner but it was a horrible situation and i just cudnt eat.Reached Nagda at 1 in the morning.Had to call the company bus at 1 15 and then waited for it in the chilling night for half an hour.It was a bit uncomfortable experience,...
but I am sorry Dad,should ve listened to you that the general compartment is not made for me...or the other way round.I swear i ll always book ticked in advance.

Current Music: Rang De Basanti (ARR Roooooolz!!)

***Your Birthdate: May 28***


You have a Type A personality so big it makes other Type A's shrink away in shame.
You never shy away from adversity - and you love to tackle impossible problems.
Failure is not an option for you, and more than a few people are put off by your ego.
You tend to be controlling, and you hate leaving anything up to chance.

Your strength: Your bold approach to life

Your weakness: You don't accept help

Your power color: Bronze

Your power symbol: Pyramid

Your power month: October
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok this has finally happened FINALLY!
I started exercise! u say no big deal but I am just too glad that it happened.Maybe someday I ll tell about my list of ailments and "series of unfortunate events"..but for now
I refuse to be the unfortunate bearer of bulbous tummy and saggy man-breasts!

Current Music: Jal! ..Jal rocks! Jal roolz!
Recent Books I read :) Interpreter of Maladies- Jhumpa Lahiri ( Reading her makes me wanna write.)
Angels and Demons- u know who
Current Goddess: Meg Ryan

So I can say for sure that this is my last sem out here.... finally got Practice School ...a place called Nagda,...of which I had no idea whatsoever.... funnily PS division lived upto its reputation.... but me happy ...a pleasant surprise this Nagda.....OK just getting PS was a matter of joy,really...I just want to thank God that I got Ps .....Then I had no idea how to react to Nagda ......called home and told about it.....its a small town sort of .....near Indore and will be roughly 6 hours trip to Bhopal :) thankfully i shall not have the trouble of accomodation like others as its provided by the company..
All people got PS where they wanted ........Piyush got in Pune and he couldnt have been happier,loads shall be moving to Bang.....yesterday all seemed so happy with smiles all over the place .......one of those beautiful days when all gathered in one wing and shared the jokes... the Yahoo jokes n Andale dandale ones :P

Took some songs from Juba yesterday,and landed upon "Vellai Pookal" from Kannathil Muthamittal.......Sometime around the time I started blogging I had promised to myself that I shall not attempt to put into words my feelings about...

1.Pilani
2.Music ...specifically A.R. Rehman's works

..because it just sucks out too much energy from me to do so.and at the end of it I shall feel that its not a job well done......it really isnt....But I have already talked a bit about the first one ...now let me do the second thing too,..... right now I am happy that the ps thing happened and a little too besotted by this song.
Its a pity that such good songs remain out of hands of the non tamil speaking devotees of ARR like me.Its just unfair that i got to listen to this song this late ....and that too was a matter of chance.And it needs patience .....I remember how that annoyed Jammy :) I went to Juba's room to get American Beauty written and ended up talking for an hour about lots of things and luckily got this song.All I know is what this music feels like...i dont know what words he is singing mean
its so featherlight....feels like first drizzle of the spring. ...all the words like "magic" and "sublime" to discribe his music seem petty....I sincerely hope that similies help.I cant sing this song...I settle for "nanana nana nana nanana" and the whisteles.Just the guitar and his voice could create images in eyes and fill them with colours... no other music moves one like that.... no other music felt so simple yet powerful to make me see this world differently ...rather makes the pictures in my eyes of a world in which i would love to be in .... ...this music is a blessing ....just like a sunday morning.....bright sunshine full of hope,....when green trees with yellow flowers so gleefully dance .....full with energy in the wind ....and i could run free.all this imagery is the gift of this music............this music feels like a friend.....who puts his arm around my shoulder with a smile,tells me that this life is so beautiful ....unbounded,seamless,full of new possibilities....that there is no reason to be down .....we lie on our backs on a bed drenched in the tumbling mirth of the sunlight from the window.....i hear brown sparrows twitter in the verandah ....as the smells from the kitchen fill the room while my mother cooks ..... just being there ..with every breath..... experiencing all of these at a single moment ...seems like time has stood still ... its a feeling quite the same as each and every second that this music soaks my soul......and how I feel such gratitude for these things...

you want to read this?

The very first episode of FRIENDS...

Ross (to Rachel): If you dunn wanna be alone tonight you can come over at my place,Chandler and Joie are helping me put up my furniture....
Chandler: Yes ....and we are very excited about it...
Joie:Hey Pheebs! Do you wanna help?
Phoebe: No,..I wish I could but I dont want to.

Like me one might laugh listening to the joke on tv.....but lets just fade out the fake laughs that follow ..ignore the Phoebe cuteness (if possible :P)and let the last line just hang in your mindspace for some time.......

*********************
................................
.................

15497 people on the mad mad orkut dont want to....Its the community i found named "I dont want to". Its just like that ...is it? We just dont want to do something......is this laziness?...well,i think it might spark off some sort of a debate .......but i dont want to.

I think to make oneself want to do something is more difficult than actually doing it.I hate to sound this way....the way i do right now...but i think it does make some sense.even if i push myself somehow at some level that motivation is never complete and so the execution suffers.....at some points in my life, that "wanting" to do it seems more insurmountable than the actual work.

[Whats on my mind: exams....things i gotta do before i leave Pilani.....packing.....PS.....Wigan n Leigh.....Harry Potter....
"Wake me up when september ends" Green Day
"Saiyyan" Fuzon

Dents

"....We are here to make a dent in the universe,otherwise why even be here?...We are here to make a brand new consciousness..."

-Steve Jobs,Pirates of Silicon Valley

Every parent....smothered in a passenger train.....dying to reach his office in time....once sang to his child...who by the way,waits in long queues...fights with rowdies for his space-

"Mera naam karega raushan jag mein mera raajdulara"

TRY!

....huh....nix periphera......uh huh...

its been a wierd week frankly .....moodswings galore...oasis ...but dinn turn out the way we thought ...its an absolute mystery to me why it turned out this way ..i felt as if i was forcing my self to enjoy ..enjoy damn it! ...art n dee made the matters worse with an ordinary structure ...but music club were cool enough to win tarang 9th time in a row but settled for a 2nd place in fusion.............why why why am i doing this stupid analysis???? ......there is the oasis album if at all one feels like seeing it

by the way the smile in the snap is not a forced one.

one last time...

psenti OASIS this week--one last time in BITS; all the sleepless hours of rush and waiting and thronging for those events .......prof show, tarang, rocktaves, razmatazz.......and dance floor ...but there's a mixed feeling this time ..not as exited as i was before ,due to many reasons ...but it will be fun, ob....

all the friends together for the last time; will miss you Jammya ..and your digi cam :P

and how i hate these projects ...diluting all my good mood.....

current music --koncham nilavu (this magic reached me a bit late i know) and fix you (cold play) --i can write about both these songs ...maybe later ....

looking forward to a grrrr8 OASIS!.... :D

"...this is sort of warped."

i wanted to say something,establish something,for myself as well as for others...to let people know something abt me..to cross check,to rediscover,to reassure...to rediscover something which i thought i had lost...its back there in my old posts,i hid something which i wanted to say.....explicitly or implicitly ...now after an amount of time on blogger sometimes i wonder what to write really .....my point is..that i have made an observation(which honestly is not original and obviously vulnerable to flaws) there is generally a curve in an activity(like blogging) which is more or less bell shaped..crudely....there is a peak to the efficiency and power/drive in the acivity and it wanes gradually.that original power and first goal was the reason why you started and when you have achieved the activity on the whole slows down. ..artists mainly and possibly ppl in general want to say something to begin with ..want to establish something..... they want to put up their point of view of life..and when its done(with first few pieces of work) they dont know where to go .....they may seem to fail in the future but its not true; maybe their hunger did not continue...or they just did not think as critically about life the way they thought before...
OR maybe something terrible happened to them long ago...or they made some mistakes and it has been very difficult for them to forgive..... others or themselves ..so they express themselves through the medium of arts/movies/poetry/writing books/blogging etc...they tell us through fiction and metaphors what that small story of their own life was...when they are done relieving themselves from certain burden and/or helping themselves ..they leave it.

cut to...

Joel - I could die right now, Clem.
I'm just.....happy.
I've never felt that before.
I'm just exactly...where I wanna be.

***********
Joel - I think your name is magical.
Clementine - This is it, joel.
It's gonna be gone soon.
Joel - I know.
Clementine - what do we do?
Joel - Enjoy it.

i just saw the trailer of this movie-eternal sunshine of the spottless mind and right now i really dont want to know what exactly this movie is all about-what i know for sure is what i feel about the images i see in the trailer..
sometimes i just wish this world turns upside down and it turns out that this life is just a dream.... i imagine a world totally different from mine,..i wanna change things around me..dont like the way it looks......... and i want to sleep endlessly and dream of the impossibilities so that in front of my eyes they actually come true(yes,in there you so firmy believe that they are actually true) and something unexpected happens all the time and i accept it willingly,but there is a harmony and pleasantness in the random and wierd occurances .....it all flows like a river ...and i am ready to face any wierd eventuality....i need to be sent through a huge rollercoaster.... where i scream and shout it out loud till my lungs seem to tear apart and there is a release of something slothful and venomous from my body and i am pure and free again...my body is upside down and back again....its buoyant and agile..i see the lights of thousand hues above my head and down below...they twinkle like heaven...shine with a kind glow ...as if like a blessing...and then a shower of million stars..........
and my body is totally weightless and i could run endlessly and play and dance without any rules ....a place where i have answer for every question.......now a very important point...
what if i had no expectations.....i dont want to hang on to anything ...dunn wanna cling to that creepy bubblegum rope ...i wanna run behind nothing (do you realise nikhilesh that you actuallly want all these things to happen to you in the first place?)......and someday i wanna know what is that line of difference between expectation and hope.....
and there should be music and chaos(shouts and screams and blaring) and then music again ...then i could find hidden strings of music in chaos ....
"I want my mommy!"........ ............ ........."this is sort of warped"