i think probability is one of the most potent forces governing our lives. or uncertainty, so to speak.
am i being ignored? left out? No, its just your feeling. its chance working on you. you were left out just by chance, like maybe few others. but we fall prey to this and create our beliefs, misunderstandings and judge yourself and others. its a trap to which i fell many times. its tempting if you are in the self victimizing mode.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
pleasant change
I am on my own. Finally.
Now I can open the window and once and for all let the sunlight come in, even if its limited in amount. The problem is that the window opens in front of another apartment, so there isn’t direct sunlight. But till now, in the last seven months my roomie, lets call him khatauli, must have let me open that window for number of times that can be counted on fingers. So, there was hardly any sunlight and no air circulation whatsoever. The arrangement in the room was terrible. I had to keep my table in front of my bed because there want enough space. There want enough space to move around.
But things just got a hell lot better! My roomie left for a single room, and the room for two is now all for me!! I immediately made the changes and now I cant stop admiring my room. It seems like there’s a new lease of life. I now have lots of space to keep my things, which have grown every term, I think. I even pasted inspirational quotes and photos. I pasted a photo of Richard Feynman, articulating in his classroom ("what do you care, what other people think?" he says) this man’s life and thoughts are sheer inspiration, even if you don’t much care about physics. the life of ER doctors i feel is inspirational. and the part in the movie "city of angels in the end, meg ryan rides bicycle on a serene road.
I did not sleep in the last 24 hours. This is serious. I don’t have much workload, and there isn’t much to read either (at least not now I am not reading) but why did I not sleep? I kept thinking a lot and reading random stuff. Its not like I did not feel sleepy, at around 2.30 I made up my mind not to sleep. At 4 ate bread with chesespread and drank coffee (that now keeps me alive and makes sure I leave for college at 8 30 in the morning.
Max martin is an amazing musician. Most of the backstreet boys, n-sync songs are composed by him, love those thumping techno music. In the night I was reminded of the days in my high school when I used to listen to those a lot. Its fun.
current music :"get another boyfriend" by Backstreet Boys - (attack of the cheesy cliche!!! i know but the music is awesome)
Now I can open the window and once and for all let the sunlight come in, even if its limited in amount. The problem is that the window opens in front of another apartment, so there isn’t direct sunlight. But till now, in the last seven months my roomie, lets call him khatauli, must have let me open that window for number of times that can be counted on fingers. So, there was hardly any sunlight and no air circulation whatsoever. The arrangement in the room was terrible. I had to keep my table in front of my bed because there want enough space. There want enough space to move around.
But things just got a hell lot better! My roomie left for a single room, and the room for two is now all for me!! I immediately made the changes and now I cant stop admiring my room. It seems like there’s a new lease of life. I now have lots of space to keep my things, which have grown every term, I think. I even pasted inspirational quotes and photos. I pasted a photo of Richard Feynman, articulating in his classroom ("what do you care, what other people think?" he says) this man’s life and thoughts are sheer inspiration, even if you don’t much care about physics. the life of ER doctors i feel is inspirational. and the part in the movie "city of angels in the end, meg ryan rides bicycle on a serene road.
I did not sleep in the last 24 hours. This is serious. I don’t have much workload, and there isn’t much to read either (at least not now I am not reading) but why did I not sleep? I kept thinking a lot and reading random stuff. Its not like I did not feel sleepy, at around 2.30 I made up my mind not to sleep. At 4 ate bread with chesespread and drank coffee (that now keeps me alive and makes sure I leave for college at 8 30 in the morning.
Max martin is an amazing musician. Most of the backstreet boys, n-sync songs are composed by him, love those thumping techno music. In the night I was reminded of the days in my high school when I used to listen to those a lot. Its fun.
current music :"get another boyfriend" by Backstreet Boys - (attack of the cheesy cliche!!! i know but the music is awesome)
Sunday, September 09, 2007
the moment
There was a moment.
A moment which was precious. I don’t know how everything around me must have been. The same sun must have been around; the same wind must have blown softly. In my head all must have been milky white maybe. White clear, I must have been breathing much comfortably back then and feeling so much lighter. Back then when I had no past.
There was a moment, when I had no past. My life was a clean slate. And all that I turned to were my parents. And I listened to them. And I did not ask any questions. No doubts in my head, my world was infinite and encapsulated in their words.
I don’t remember that moment. But it was the seed to the world I am now living in.
A moment which was precious. I don’t know how everything around me must have been. The same sun must have been around; the same wind must have blown softly. In my head all must have been milky white maybe. White clear, I must have been breathing much comfortably back then and feeling so much lighter. Back then when I had no past.
There was a moment, when I had no past. My life was a clean slate. And all that I turned to were my parents. And I listened to them. And I did not ask any questions. No doubts in my head, my world was infinite and encapsulated in their words.
I don’t remember that moment. But it was the seed to the world I am now living in.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
from darkness to light
my sympathy isnt for free.
so keep all your things to yourself, i spent my time, energy and words into the void, but not anymore. i have decided to be more honest from now on. its better others and far more importantly for myself. i remembered i had read the following in a blog -
god, its so painfully difficult to implement. this process of letting go is very difficult. but THATS IT!its not wise enough to waste anymore blogspace on it either.
i did not have any class today, i took rest, completed my quota of sleep. fixed the room and washed clothes (first thing in the morning)
last time when i was at the doctor's i chanced at "men's health" magazine which i thought was good. i bought one today and planning to start exercise from tomorrow. ah, well this isnt first such plan, but i am starting afresh. nothing is obstructing me right now. everything is just the way i wanted and i have no complaints. i have my landmark forum on 14th. the whole course is of 3.5 days friday to sunday and the tuesday evening. i am really excited about it. something concrete which will change my life. i pasted some inspirational stuff on my wall today. the warden probably wont be happy but wtf.(we were not allowed to paste anything of the wall - for the fear that it would discolour or damage the wall paint) but i badly needed to change my surroundings to make things work for me. i started with database management systems today, also read about the appreciating rupee, how the indian government needs to be more proactive at handling inflation keeping the trade balance healthy for the domestic industries, take a lesson or two from china which has pegged its currency at a lower value to the us dollar.
tomorrow i am going to attend the international economics - amir khan class. long time since i listened to that crazy genius talk. tomorrow morning is going to be special - exercise - first thing in the morning. i watched "ER" religiously all the days while i was at home. hospital as an organisation, doctors as groups and teams are amazing. lots to learn. the program is amazing, performances are real and stories are engaging. kudos to the genius crichton who himself a doctor, conceived it. the lives of the doctors inspire me. the environment in the er is electric. the oft spoken "decision making under uncertainty" used in management is seen here, along with risk, teamwork, conflict resolution, negotiation, stress, not to mention courage and strength of character(i particularly remember the episode in which maura tierney's character is kidnapped by street fighting gangsters to take care of bullet-shot killer, which involved racial issues too, apart from the issue of definition of the doctor - she takes care of ANY person who is at her desk, no matter if he is a gangster, no matter if there is a danger of her losing her life after she treats her patient. that episode was riveting) i learnt that human mind has infinite capacity. physical capacity however is limited. its essential that you take care of your body, nurture it, provide proper nutrition, i need to exercise to be strong, that it will pay huge dividends to take care of my body right now before its too late. in 24 hours of the day, all the things you wish CAN be done.
someone said, the way you take bath everyday, you need to motivate youself every single day, every waking moment is in your hand - create it the way YOU want it. push yourself - or look for the magnets which pull in the right direction. make the complete efforts which take you from darkness to light.
so keep all your things to yourself, i spent my time, energy and words into the void, but not anymore. i have decided to be more honest from now on. its better others and far more importantly for myself. i remembered i had read the following in a blog -
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
god, its so painfully difficult to implement. this process of letting go is very difficult. but THATS IT!its not wise enough to waste anymore blogspace on it either.
i did not have any class today, i took rest, completed my quota of sleep. fixed the room and washed clothes (first thing in the morning)
last time when i was at the doctor's i chanced at "men's health" magazine which i thought was good. i bought one today and planning to start exercise from tomorrow. ah, well this isnt first such plan, but i am starting afresh. nothing is obstructing me right now. everything is just the way i wanted and i have no complaints. i have my landmark forum on 14th. the whole course is of 3.5 days friday to sunday and the tuesday evening. i am really excited about it. something concrete which will change my life. i pasted some inspirational stuff on my wall today. the warden probably wont be happy but wtf.(we were not allowed to paste anything of the wall - for the fear that it would discolour or damage the wall paint) but i badly needed to change my surroundings to make things work for me. i started with database management systems today, also read about the appreciating rupee, how the indian government needs to be more proactive at handling inflation keeping the trade balance healthy for the domestic industries, take a lesson or two from china which has pegged its currency at a lower value to the us dollar.
tomorrow i am going to attend the international economics - amir khan class. long time since i listened to that crazy genius talk. tomorrow morning is going to be special - exercise - first thing in the morning. i watched "ER" religiously all the days while i was at home. hospital as an organisation, doctors as groups and teams are amazing. lots to learn. the program is amazing, performances are real and stories are engaging. kudos to the genius crichton who himself a doctor, conceived it. the lives of the doctors inspire me. the environment in the er is electric. the oft spoken "decision making under uncertainty" used in management is seen here, along with risk, teamwork, conflict resolution, negotiation, stress, not to mention courage and strength of character(i particularly remember the episode in which maura tierney's character is kidnapped by street fighting gangsters to take care of bullet-shot killer, which involved racial issues too, apart from the issue of definition of the doctor - she takes care of ANY person who is at her desk, no matter if he is a gangster, no matter if there is a danger of her losing her life after she treats her patient. that episode was riveting) i learnt that human mind has infinite capacity. physical capacity however is limited. its essential that you take care of your body, nurture it, provide proper nutrition, i need to exercise to be strong, that it will pay huge dividends to take care of my body right now before its too late. in 24 hours of the day, all the things you wish CAN be done.
someone said, the way you take bath everyday, you need to motivate youself every single day, every waking moment is in your hand - create it the way YOU want it. push yourself - or look for the magnets which pull in the right direction. make the complete efforts which take you from darkness to light.
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