Current Music

Ode to my family:Cranberries
One last breath:Creed
A New day has come:Celine Dion
Heal the World:Michael Jackson

I wrote a little something here

Current Goddess: Lisa Kudrow - Phoebe Buffay - Regina Felangy.

Whats on my mind....

Interpreter of maladies

Jhumpa Lahiri


Last Saturday went to Bhopal,cought a passenger huffing and puffing to Ujjain at 3 pm with Rushali .. we were hit by such a huge crowd that i didnt even know where she disappeared in it and then I dinn get any place to sit and was standing for 1.5 hours in the horrible journey then took bus to Devas from ujjain coz i dinn get any direct bus to bhopal from ujjain either and then again a bus from devas to bhopal,reached home at 10 in the night.Left for nagda at 6 in the evening on sunday and then started the ultimate torture of my life as i travelled in the general compartment.Its description is impossible.My mom gave me the dinner but it was a horrible situation and i just cudnt eat.Reached Nagda at 1 in the morning.Had to call the company bus at 1 15 and then waited for it in the chilling night for half an hour.It was a bit uncomfortable experience,...
but I am sorry Dad,should ve listened to you that the general compartment is not made for me...or the other way round.I swear i ll always book ticked in advance.

Current Music: Rang De Basanti (ARR Roooooolz!!)

***Your Birthdate: May 28***


You have a Type A personality so big it makes other Type A's shrink away in shame.
You never shy away from adversity - and you love to tackle impossible problems.
Failure is not an option for you, and more than a few people are put off by your ego.
You tend to be controlling, and you hate leaving anything up to chance.

Your strength: Your bold approach to life

Your weakness: You don't accept help

Your power color: Bronze

Your power symbol: Pyramid

Your power month: October
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok this has finally happened FINALLY!
I started exercise! u say no big deal but I am just too glad that it happened.Maybe someday I ll tell about my list of ailments and "series of unfortunate events"..but for now
I refuse to be the unfortunate bearer of bulbous tummy and saggy man-breasts!

Current Music: Jal! ..Jal rocks! Jal roolz!
Recent Books I read :) Interpreter of Maladies- Jhumpa Lahiri ( Reading her makes me wanna write.)
Angels and Demons- u know who
Current Goddess: Meg Ryan

So I can say for sure that this is my last sem out here.... finally got Practice School ...a place called Nagda,...of which I had no idea whatsoever.... funnily PS division lived upto its reputation.... but me happy ...a pleasant surprise this Nagda.....OK just getting PS was a matter of joy,really...I just want to thank God that I got Ps .....Then I had no idea how to react to Nagda ......called home and told about it.....its a small town sort of .....near Indore and will be roughly 6 hours trip to Bhopal :) thankfully i shall not have the trouble of accomodation like others as its provided by the company..
All people got PS where they wanted ........Piyush got in Pune and he couldnt have been happier,loads shall be moving to Bang.....yesterday all seemed so happy with smiles all over the place .......one of those beautiful days when all gathered in one wing and shared the jokes... the Yahoo jokes n Andale dandale ones :P

Took some songs from Juba yesterday,and landed upon "Vellai Pookal" from Kannathil Muthamittal.......Sometime around the time I started blogging I had promised to myself that I shall not attempt to put into words my feelings about...

1.Pilani
2.Music ...specifically A.R. Rehman's works

..because it just sucks out too much energy from me to do so.and at the end of it I shall feel that its not a job well done......it really isnt....But I have already talked a bit about the first one ...now let me do the second thing too,..... right now I am happy that the ps thing happened and a little too besotted by this song.
Its a pity that such good songs remain out of hands of the non tamil speaking devotees of ARR like me.Its just unfair that i got to listen to this song this late ....and that too was a matter of chance.And it needs patience .....I remember how that annoyed Jammy :) I went to Juba's room to get American Beauty written and ended up talking for an hour about lots of things and luckily got this song.All I know is what this music feels like...i dont know what words he is singing mean
its so featherlight....feels like first drizzle of the spring. ...all the words like "magic" and "sublime" to discribe his music seem petty....I sincerely hope that similies help.I cant sing this song...I settle for "nanana nana nana nanana" and the whisteles.Just the guitar and his voice could create images in eyes and fill them with colours... no other music moves one like that.... no other music felt so simple yet powerful to make me see this world differently ...rather makes the pictures in my eyes of a world in which i would love to be in .... ...this music is a blessing ....just like a sunday morning.....bright sunshine full of hope,....when green trees with yellow flowers so gleefully dance .....full with energy in the wind ....and i could run free.all this imagery is the gift of this music............this music feels like a friend.....who puts his arm around my shoulder with a smile,tells me that this life is so beautiful ....unbounded,seamless,full of new possibilities....that there is no reason to be down .....we lie on our backs on a bed drenched in the tumbling mirth of the sunlight from the window.....i hear brown sparrows twitter in the verandah ....as the smells from the kitchen fill the room while my mother cooks ..... just being there ..with every breath..... experiencing all of these at a single moment ...seems like time has stood still ... its a feeling quite the same as each and every second that this music soaks my soul......and how I feel such gratitude for these things...

you want to read this?

The very first episode of FRIENDS...

Ross (to Rachel): If you dunn wanna be alone tonight you can come over at my place,Chandler and Joie are helping me put up my furniture....
Chandler: Yes ....and we are very excited about it...
Joie:Hey Pheebs! Do you wanna help?
Phoebe: No,..I wish I could but I dont want to.

Like me one might laugh listening to the joke on tv.....but lets just fade out the fake laughs that follow ..ignore the Phoebe cuteness (if possible :P)and let the last line just hang in your mindspace for some time.......

*********************
................................
.................

15497 people on the mad mad orkut dont want to....Its the community i found named "I dont want to". Its just like that ...is it? We just dont want to do something......is this laziness?...well,i think it might spark off some sort of a debate .......but i dont want to.

I think to make oneself want to do something is more difficult than actually doing it.I hate to sound this way....the way i do right now...but i think it does make some sense.even if i push myself somehow at some level that motivation is never complete and so the execution suffers.....at some points in my life, that "wanting" to do it seems more insurmountable than the actual work.

[Whats on my mind: exams....things i gotta do before i leave Pilani.....packing.....PS.....Wigan n Leigh.....Harry Potter....
"Wake me up when september ends" Green Day
"Saiyyan" Fuzon

Dents

"....We are here to make a dent in the universe,otherwise why even be here?...We are here to make a brand new consciousness..."

-Steve Jobs,Pirates of Silicon Valley

Every parent....smothered in a passenger train.....dying to reach his office in time....once sang to his child...who by the way,waits in long queues...fights with rowdies for his space-

"Mera naam karega raushan jag mein mera raajdulara"

TRY!

....huh....nix periphera......uh huh...

its been a wierd week frankly .....moodswings galore...oasis ...but dinn turn out the way we thought ...its an absolute mystery to me why it turned out this way ..i felt as if i was forcing my self to enjoy ..enjoy damn it! ...art n dee made the matters worse with an ordinary structure ...but music club were cool enough to win tarang 9th time in a row but settled for a 2nd place in fusion.............why why why am i doing this stupid analysis???? ......there is the oasis album if at all one feels like seeing it

by the way the smile in the snap is not a forced one.

one last time...

psenti OASIS this week--one last time in BITS; all the sleepless hours of rush and waiting and thronging for those events .......prof show, tarang, rocktaves, razmatazz.......and dance floor ...but there's a mixed feeling this time ..not as exited as i was before ,due to many reasons ...but it will be fun, ob....

all the friends together for the last time; will miss you Jammya ..and your digi cam :P

and how i hate these projects ...diluting all my good mood.....

current music --koncham nilavu (this magic reached me a bit late i know) and fix you (cold play) --i can write about both these songs ...maybe later ....

looking forward to a grrrr8 OASIS!.... :D

"...this is sort of warped."

i wanted to say something,establish something,for myself as well as for others...to let people know something abt me..to cross check,to rediscover,to reassure...to rediscover something which i thought i had lost...its back there in my old posts,i hid something which i wanted to say.....explicitly or implicitly ...now after an amount of time on blogger sometimes i wonder what to write really .....my point is..that i have made an observation(which honestly is not original and obviously vulnerable to flaws) there is generally a curve in an activity(like blogging) which is more or less bell shaped..crudely....there is a peak to the efficiency and power/drive in the acivity and it wanes gradually.that original power and first goal was the reason why you started and when you have achieved the activity on the whole slows down. ..artists mainly and possibly ppl in general want to say something to begin with ..want to establish something..... they want to put up their point of view of life..and when its done(with first few pieces of work) they dont know where to go .....they may seem to fail in the future but its not true; maybe their hunger did not continue...or they just did not think as critically about life the way they thought before...
OR maybe something terrible happened to them long ago...or they made some mistakes and it has been very difficult for them to forgive..... others or themselves ..so they express themselves through the medium of arts/movies/poetry/writing books/blogging etc...they tell us through fiction and metaphors what that small story of their own life was...when they are done relieving themselves from certain burden and/or helping themselves ..they leave it.

cut to...

Joel - I could die right now, Clem.
I'm just.....happy.
I've never felt that before.
I'm just exactly...where I wanna be.

***********
Joel - I think your name is magical.
Clementine - This is it, joel.
It's gonna be gone soon.
Joel - I know.
Clementine - what do we do?
Joel - Enjoy it.

i just saw the trailer of this movie-eternal sunshine of the spottless mind and right now i really dont want to know what exactly this movie is all about-what i know for sure is what i feel about the images i see in the trailer..
sometimes i just wish this world turns upside down and it turns out that this life is just a dream.... i imagine a world totally different from mine,..i wanna change things around me..dont like the way it looks......... and i want to sleep endlessly and dream of the impossibilities so that in front of my eyes they actually come true(yes,in there you so firmy believe that they are actually true) and something unexpected happens all the time and i accept it willingly,but there is a harmony and pleasantness in the random and wierd occurances .....it all flows like a river ...and i am ready to face any wierd eventuality....i need to be sent through a huge rollercoaster.... where i scream and shout it out loud till my lungs seem to tear apart and there is a release of something slothful and venomous from my body and i am pure and free again...my body is upside down and back again....its buoyant and agile..i see the lights of thousand hues above my head and down below...they twinkle like heaven...shine with a kind glow ...as if like a blessing...and then a shower of million stars..........
and my body is totally weightless and i could run endlessly and play and dance without any rules ....a place where i have answer for every question.......now a very important point...
what if i had no expectations.....i dont want to hang on to anything ...dunn wanna cling to that creepy bubblegum rope ...i wanna run behind nothing (do you realise nikhilesh that you actuallly want all these things to happen to you in the first place?)......and someday i wanna know what is that line of difference between expectation and hope.....
and there should be music and chaos(shouts and screams and blaring) and then music again ...then i could find hidden strings of music in chaos ....
"I want my mommy!"........ ............ ........."this is sort of warped"

i need to i want to

i need to blog ..i need to blog...mmm..ya long time...my little space on the net was kinda calling me..dude what have you been upto? how cat prep goin on? what do you do in your room all the time dude??? the light is on but you dont answer the door? seem sleepy all the time! whats wrong with you ...hehe ..thts what i said b4 its the first thing you will notice about me when you see me....something is wrong anout me..something...i dunno what ...wish i knew...so whats up? cat prep? ...ya ,but slow...aint got much time left dude... young ppl started prep for next year...
but i have this super surge to blog ...just blurt out but this one is way too different than others i hav written ..hope noone reads it(you loser! installed sitemeter na?) ..myself wont read this one over again and wont edit this one...no way...what the fuck is this...net in the room is horrible ..so i take this walk to ipc to write this mundane nonsensical crap ..at the risk of being seen by the dorky project prof..so i make very careful moves in ipc and duck in my seat in the farthest corner here..what a sad little life you are leading poor man... its suffocating ..in ipc ..sometimes in life ..whoa! i am babbling bigtime...WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO????
so since i am doing this i wanna contemplate on hazaar issues they pass by me everyday all the time...some of them sort of fry my cerebrum sometimes..i get furious then....box of chocolates seems very bitter and i hate myself....get rid of it nikhilesh ...lets talk about something else why do you wanna dig out that let it be..talk of the splendid spirit that lifts you and propels you!....why do you sound cynical?...ok ok...guss that..hmmm..ok this is nice....i am listening to you ,but i dont wanna listen to that kinda stuff...i support you dude...but stop that shit!...i mean what is this all about? ignoring the grey areas and masterig the shining,pure,beautiful....its just mathematical improvisation on the single area...ok now i sound like i am making an excuse but i am not ...so you just choose to ignore somethings..i know they come back at you big time before you know it...sooner or later..and you just dont know what the fuck hit you and you think you were perfect ..and life was perfect ...but none were made perfect...neither was i...ok i am losing it..where did i start?....
sigh....
i am running out of things i wanna eat...at redi at anc ..no..dinn go to the ic this sem..i am just sick of wishing profs so i keep outta there..i reach munna ji ki redi n tht guy n me stare each other until he has to ask "kya khilaoon?" ...sam chat once again without dahi without sauce only nimbu and the hari chutni ...and then the rose milk..20 bucks ...its too much yaar..and its after the breakfast ..whats wrong with you ...psentisemites off to the anc..for hours on end...i want my accout back!!!!!...i dinn abuse you back then mr. rajaraman,but its been really really long time since i survived without prithvi and i feel like abusing you now really from my guts...ohh screw prithvi ..we got new server..but i cant use it!AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Dear friends,due to psycho-social and academic reasons i have not been able to blog for some time.I still am reluctant to spend more time here,please make peace with just the pointers,maybe i will extrapolate on this later,maybe i wont.....or maybe i am just on a new major FRIENDS high right now...

Chandler: Well, I heard that you were thinking about asking Phoebe to move in with you and I thought maybe, we should have a talk. Man to ....well, me.
Gary: Sure. Okay.
Chandler: Uh, are you crazy? Are you insane? If you live with Phoebe, you two are gonna be y'know, live-living together!
Gary: Yeah, I-I considered that. I just know it would make me happy.
Chandler: You mean scared.
Gary: No, I mean happy.
Chandler: Scared- Happy?
Gary: Chandler, what-what are you doing?
Chandler: I am trying to open your eyes, my man! Don't you see, if you lived with Phoebe she's always gonna be there. You're gonna get home, she's there. You go to bed, she's there. You wake up and oh yes, she's there!
Gary: I know! I can't wait!
Chandler: Were you're parents happy, or something?

I believe your parents did the best thing they knew how to do.

-Affirmation,Savage Garden.

moments in hours

"i wanted to be a writer,thats all ..i wanted to write about it all..... everything that happens in a moment,how the flowers felt when you carry them in your arms,this towel how it smells.... this thread,all our feelings... yours and mine,the history of it ,who we once were...everything in the world...everything all mixed up....... like its all mixed up now.... and i failed ...no matter what you start with it ends up being so less..." .......
.......

"tell me a story ...tell me the story from your day...."
"i ..i got up ...went out..out to buy flowers....just like mrs dalloway in the book.. and it was a beautiful morning..."
"beautiful was it?"
"oh yes it was so beautiful,....so fresh....."
"fresh was it? like a morning on a beach? like that morning when you walked out of that old house ..that morning when you were eighteen and maybe i was nineteen .....i was nineteen years old and i had never seen anything more beautiful...you coming out of the glass door in the early morning sunshine.... still sleepy....isnt it strange...the most ordinary morning in anybody's life...."

-Richard,The Hours.

some moments from ordinary days of our lives always lie deep sunken in our subconscious,they are always there,recorded in eternity.maybe we dont believe in them,get cynical to deny their existence.
but can never get back there,bend down to pick up the cold sand of winter,....run free under the dark umbrella of the old trees ....there where it was pitch dark no matter how bright the sun was..
.... relive the blessing in the chilly dark night...embrace once again the cloud of emotion filling in my chest,the quiver in my eyelids...the small puffs of air entering and leaving my throat...the gulped realities...
every flutter of the neem leaves of summer.... small forgotten spaces, where i had stared and wondered in void ...rather questioned the existence of it..... but ended up embracing it...absorbed the silences and sights....... eventually the spaces and the air and sounds of the most ordinary hours ended up in a column of feelings held close to the heart.

KATHLEEN
I always miss my mother at Christmas, but
somehow it's worse this year since I need
some advice from her.
JOE (V.O., cont'd)
I can give you advice. I'm great at
advice.
KATHLEEN (V.O.)
My business is in trouble. My mother
would have something wise to say.

JOE (cont'd)
You're at war. "It's not personal, it's
business. It's not personal it's
business." Recite that to yourself every
time you feel you're losing your nerve.
I know you worry about being brave, this
is your chance. Fight. Fight to the
death.
......................
..........................................
..................................
JOE
Hello.

KATHLEEN
What are you doing here?

JOE
I heard you were sick and I was worried
and I wanted to --
(he hears voices)
Is someone here?

KATHLEEN
Just the Home Shopping Network.

JOE
Bought any porcelain dolls?

KATHLEEN
I was thinking about it.
(beat)
You put me out of business --

JOE
I know that --

KATHLEEN
And now you turn up with flowers? Did
you come to gloat?

JOE
No.

KATHLEEN
To offer me a job --

JOE
No, I wouldn't think of --
......................... ... ....... ............

......... .... It wasn't personal --

KATHLEEN
-- It was business. What is that
supposed to mean? I am so sick of that.
All it means is it's not personal to you,
but it's personal to me, it's personal to
a lot of people.
(she shrugs helplessly)
What's wrong with being personal anyway?

JOE
Nothing.

KATHLEEN
I mean, whatever else anything is, it
ought to begin by being personal.

--You've Got Mail.

"Love is the only inspiration."--Shakespeare in love

"I want lots of money....lots and lots .......and i want it quickly.....i cant wait." -My friend who got a job but isnt satisfied with its salary and is hunting for a better one.

i hate cliche,just doesnt seem real....so larger than life.
..it was 2 30 in the morning vk corridor and a cliche just flowed out of my mouth so easily and naturally.i felt like i was imparting wisdom,i felt great the very moment i had done that.my friend thoughtfully responded and i inflated.great! i had the upper hand! it was not like i had reached upon any great discovery but i said something in a way that made me look like an expert......my feet started aching,....we decided that was enough...i was ambling my way to my room in bhag,.....sleep just lingering in my spine .....wondering what i had just said.....and suddenly i regretted having done that.....just advising someone on a matter remotely related to our college lives.....hated myself to have sounded like a preacher....when i can precisely calculate how much i practice.its very unnecesary,at a wrong time wrong place....a fruitless effort.
i want to keep cliche far away from my life, but sometimes it just surfaces in me as if it was there since eternity.sometimes i just want to go within,need to feel my thoughts flow in my head,fly away from the crowd far far away...want to walk on unknown streets when i dont have to say "hi!" with a smile to every other that walks by.someplace where no one knows me.i am just exhausted of all this.this just doesnt seem to lead anywhere.its just a necessity of following a trend.i need the independence of doing stuff in seclusion,no peeking....no judgements no questions no clarifications which add up to void,nothing but artificial and fruitless implementation of rituals.

"Come, there’s no use in crying like that!" said Alice to herself, rather sharply. "I advise you to leave off this minute!" She generally gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it), and sometimes she scolded herself so severely as to bring tears into her eyes; and once she remembered trying to box her own ears for having cheated herself in a game of croquet she was playing against herself, for this curious child was very fond of pretending to be two people. "But it’s no use now," thought poor Alice, "to pretend to be two people! Why, there’s hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!"
I read this excerpt in a blog of a wise man.Then I read the book to the point where i found these lines.And i was captured with these lines.Like many other times i wonder if the wise man wrote it had so much more to suggest than he does in the explicit words.I wonder why she is lonely and about the curious event of playing a game this way.like my friend once told me,speaking so bluntly of good literature is like an insult to it.coz what i am wondering and what i let you know i am thinking about these lines here is not all that i am thinking.such things touch deep in the subconscious,maybe connect us to our childhood,connect us to some fleeting visions from our dreams,about which i cannot put into words.The rabbit hole for alice,and the abode of bilbo baggins,make me wonder if human mind has this fascination for holes.we dont know how deep they go,dark,queer,full of unexpected adventures,but comfortable and polished in case of jrr tolkein.
a funny thought occured to me,what if i interpret deeper,and end up making out something which the writer does not want to suggest,what if someone else does same thing,ends up with powerful beliefs for life,on account of his ego insists that what he believes is perfectly true,choses a marvellous path for success,works hard and reaches the pinnacle.how fun would it be to drive ourselves by a misinterpretation.
I wonder why i make others do things which i think are wonderful.Sometimes they agree with me,sometimes they dont.well,i should not be disappointed when they dont.after sometime i feel why am i so hellbent on dragging others into my point of view.
i had a conversation with junna da tunna...
"what are you reading these days?" he asked
"two books actually,hp5 and the fountainhead"
"two books? ....heard fountainhead is very good book........why are you wasting your 'intellectual capacity' on such simple books with magic and all?"
then we argued for a few minutes and it abruptly ended,the way it ended hundreds of times before without any conclusion.haha how great is the blogspace,now that i can put up my verdict!
all things are muti dimensional,many aspects of a single thing exist,be it idea,book music or any other thing,generally one or two aspects prominently show up.judging tht thing on the basis of tht single aspect would be wrong.u need to see for the rest of the spects too.plus with the two or three 'different' aspects u cannot declare which is 'better'.given two choices,both hold equal power,dont declare any universal verdict that this is low,this is high.(same goes with saathiya and alai payuthe)

Current music: so much reflects my mood right now.....
i linger in the doorway
of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name
let me stay
where the wind will whisper to me
where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story

in my field of paper flowers
and candy clouds of lullaby
i lie inside myself for hours
and watch my purple sky fly over me

-evanescence

love those drums,mridang,sitar in dheere jalna.the digitally mastered tabla in main vari vari(i have a hunch its mastered,though me not an expert at such things),loved tht moment when silken voice of kavita fades into sarangi,and i wondered when did her voice end and when did the sarangi pick up?
then i got wierd returned to my all time favs Evanescence,which reflect my mood right now,its gut wrenchng.

Hols of colours so dark.....part 2

From Kolakata i returned to nagpur and monsoon had already settled there.It was mainly responsible for the dark ambience of the days and places to come.Except pilani rain followed us everywhere.....nasik,tryambakeshwar,goa.
love how green lookes greener in rains,the black stones of tryambakeshwar temple were completely washed with rains,so also were the ones under our bare feet.

Goa was the darkest part of my summer.Rains were in front of my eyes,so also were the signs of the rains in the uncounted years in the past.Brown or red coloured kavelus made up the sloping roofs of almost all the buildings.Black walls covered with ferns and mosses bore the testimony of incessant rains.I remember the times when heavy,black clouds covered all of the sky.I felt this anxiety,wondering when will the rains start.As if the rains were just held up due to some reason up in the clouds.Anytime now they would come down with loud thunder. The dark green vegetations were upon slopes,on the sides of the roads,behind small churches,in the gardens of small houses.They collaborated together to form dark spaces among themselves.I remember the dark shade under a thick and congested bunch of stunted trees and shrubs behind a small church.It seemed to have some sort of introvert,serious life of its own.I imagined it ignored me but knew fully well that i had noticed its existence,among the thick leaves dancing in the thin wind.

And i remember dark spaces in the dimly lit yellow rooms of the kavelu covered small homes.I just had their glimpse as i was going by a bus from the college campus to vasco.A child was playing outside the house and i saw his mother moving inside.I saw the rooms through iron bars in the small windows.I was amazed how i could connect with that house,felt curious and imagined what must be going on in there. After it has just rained in the evening,its very cool everywhere and its so much fun for the kid to miss the puddles while playing.the floor of the house is tiled with black uneven square stones.I remember how its soft,uneven,cool surface feels to your bare feet.really long time since i have been to such place.Mother prepares the dinner and calls her son inside.There is a narrow rectangular room lit with a single bulb with chulha on half the length and people sit along the length on the cool floor.Food always seems delicious on the banana leaves,as the kid jokes to his mother about occasional drop of water leaking right above his head.

The end.
chandlerisms:
all six are supposed to go to joey's play....
holding the duck n the chick in his hands,entering monica's room,"can u take the duck and the chick to the theatre?"
"of course not"
"okay,i just wanted them to hear it from somebody else"


"today my boss kept slapping my butt and acting like it wasnt a big deal"
"i dont understand guys,i mean i wont congratulate monica on a great stew by u know grabbin her boob?"
"yeah,..i know..for a really great stew..u just ...stick your head between them."

Current music: trouble by coldplay

...

< with Jam at 121 Budh Bhavan,last sem >
I started blogging to speak my mind.There had been considerable amount of time that I hadnt done that. i hadnt been speaking what i felt.Is it me being a gemini,that i feel such restlessness out of nothing(why do i rationalize?).feels like i live in a paradox.running in circles and fooling myself.contradicting myself at large number of occasions.this restlessness fills up in my chest like a thick cloud,i cannot breathe and a shiver spreads in my arms.
Whatever i do i do it with expectation of getting something back in return.i am selfish,contemplating about a million things about myself,searching......
flowing in the wind like a feather but denying something obvious.i dont sit at a place.i just relate to characters,to their emotions with some anticipation,feel happy for some stupid reasons momentarily,something somewhere feeds my ego....
i am just thrown from one moment to another.from one stimulant to another.
is there something which consumes me completely?......something white,sublime weightless,clear....eternal, gives a new birth to all my senses.something which leaves no doubt in my mind.like wind blowing away my hair through the window of a rusty car,roaming aimlessly through deserted streets,looking at the grey and brown buildings of people and equally absorbed in the inner turmoil.
but true friends just let you be.you smile and they smile back and i think that is all that satisfies anticipation.you can always see that in the eyes.it gets pretty close to what one needs,its something none of us feel tangibly,can neither rationalize and argue.just the mere existence of someone who understands is overwhelming.